Remember When...: 100 of My Favorite Memories

Memories are wonderful things if you don't have to deal with the past.
~ Celine from Before Sunset

This will be my last "100" list. Seriously.

1. The party we threw the night before graduation from New York University at Bar 85.
2. Oversleeping for graduation and wearing the clothes I had on at the party under my gown.
3. My first night at NYU when I met Anya and Rashida and we all went to Tower Records.
4. When I tied Anya to her chair so she would finish her paper
5. Getting my first tattoo in Philly in 1999
6. When Nou yelled at me from the stage and accused me a heckling her. Then talking at the bar and becoming great friends immediately
7. Black Lily at Shine on Hannah’s birthday (technically)
8. When Joey convinced the Mrs. Cantino (the Spanish teacher) that he had jumped out the window
9. The first time I went snowboarding with Eva
10. Going all the way to New Hampshire to get furniture for Anya’s apartment and driving back to NYC in the largest U-Haul truck they had on the lot.
11. My first kiss on the bus of Young People’s Day Camp on the last day of camp.
12. The first time I kissed T.Y. at Todd’s house waiting for her father to pick her up
13. The first time I kissed E.B. on her couch after I rushed to her house in Queens from NYU.
14. The first time I kissed F.J. in my car after weeks of just sitting in my car and talking and, well, NOT kissing.
15. Eric and I getting in trouble during our first high school dance at St. Mary’s for dancing too promiscuously with the girls during the reggae portion of the DJ set
16. When Nou, Tank and others who I can’t recall were listening to D’Angelo’s Voodoo for the first time.
17. When I got laid off from Sukin Law Group
18. First time I went to Great Adventure with F.J.
19. After the blackout in 2003, walking down to Jen’s apartment and sitting on her stairs with Suzy, Sheila and Jen drinking her remaining Bud Lights
20. Celebrating the Yankees 1996 World Series win with E.B.’s mother because E.B. didn’t care.
21. Celebrating the Yankees 1999 World Series win on street in front of Third North Dorm. All the bars between 10th and 13th street let out and we stopped traffic until a truck full of cops made us go back inside
22. After an argument before I had to go to work, E.B. driving in the rain from Queens to Broadway Mall in Hicksville to give me a balloon that said “I’m Sorry.”
23. When F.J. made me a makeshift pair of glasses.
24. When Pierre interrupted E.B. and I in bed then decided to hang around and watch Mr. Wrong with us until she left.
    
25. The first Okayplayer reunion in Philadelphia
    
26. When I finished moving into the Harlem apartment and just passed out in my bed
    
27. When none of us could get a rental car, driving down to Atlanta from New York with Kristy, Derreck, Eric, Fatima, Tara and Bill.
28. Going to Chik-Fil-A on the way home
    
29. The first time I went to England to visit Hannah and she brought me to a wine bar with her friends and I pretended to be a "rude American".
30. Watching the Giants beat the 49ers in the NFC Championship game with my brother and his friend Seth
31. Winning that writing award and $500 bond at my 8th Grade graduation.
32. Lance kicking the Nintendo every time I was about to beat him in RBI Baseball via the mercy rule
33. Going camping with E.B. and all her friends
34. Helping Jen paint a room in her house
35. Visiting Angie on the set of Scrubs
36. Mercy Flush Ski Weekend I & II
    
37. Seth: "I think I blew my load on that granny shot."
    
38. Kaiva’s going away party
39. Winning the Unsung Hero Award at the OPR Professional Achievement Awards
40. After Jeremy’s Ale House, K.P. breaking into a Axl Rose impression that caused Nikki, Kevin and I to fall to the ground simultaneously.
41. Tara falling in front of Nevada Smith’s Matrix-style
42. 2002 New Year’s at Kristy’s apartment in Far Rockaway
43. Paintball with Tony, Kevin and T.J.
44. Finally winning Student of the Month in 4th grade
45. When Kerwin and I got drunk on our suitemate's Pepsi that, unbeknown to us, had vodka in it then heading to NeoLounge and havign he best night ever
    
46. Going to Great Adventure with Bill and Yusef
    
47. Hannah's birthday at Kristy's house in which her birthday cake cracked so we wrote "Boom" on it
48. Hugging Anya in Loeb Student Center and cracking her back to which she gave an orgasmic reaction
49. Riding in the "cage" on the way to Great Adventure with Pam, Nikki, Alison, Andrea and Copas
50. My fight with Frederico which resulted in getting hit in the ribs with a shovel and having my finger bitten so I couldn't punch him back
51. When Kenny, Nick and I went into Broadway Mall and stole more than $100 dollars worth of cassette tapes
52. Snowball fights at the dead end of Montauk Court
53. Kerwin and I playing NBA Live until 5 AM because he wouldn't let me go to sleep until he beat me
54. When I accidentally did the Rock Bottom to Jasmine in Chicago
55. Getting pulled over in Port Washington with Todd driving and Andrew, Brian and Eric in tow. Andrew starts singing "Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do?" and Todd freaks out and yells, "Shut the fuck up!"
56. Passing History in Junior year of high school. The teacher said you couldn't pass if you didn't do the homework. I proved him wrong.
57. Sneaking out of art class, jumping over the fences and buying new cassette tapes every Tuesday.
58. Sneaking out of art class to play basketball with Todd, Eric and Rueel.
59. Getting on the bus to go to Roosevelt Field to buy TY a Valentine's Day present, falling asleep in the bus and ending up in Jamaica, Queens.
60. Passing notes in high school with Eva and Jen.
61. Jessica R's overly-extravagant and drama-filled sweet 16 party.
    
62. Dressing like an idiot for high school prom - white gloves, sunglasses, cane and Kangol
63. The first post Ogilvy PR hug from Sheila
    
64. Taking care of my baby cousin Christopher at my grandparents' house in Jamaica
    
65. Getting chased by Brother Joseph in the hallway after he noticed I had shaved my head
66. Going to the Intrepid with Mona for no reason and taking 50 pictures
    
67. Senior formal at NYU until I got drunk, locked out and stuck with a whiny Rafick
68. The Halloween Black Lily show where I dressed as Dr. Evil with my personalized Mini Me
69. Rock Lily when Danophonic Dan tried to jump into the crowd but took too much of a running start and jumped over the crowd
70. Jen and Christine's housewarming party where we all agreed not to show up drunk and we showed up obliterated instead
    
71. Setting my alarm to chest Kevin at midnight at the housewarming party and hitting him so hard, he collapsed
72. Drunkenly walking Crosby around the block at the same housewarming party.
    
73. Getting paid to dress up as Blade at a comic convention
74. In Chicago, walking all the way to the store in the rain and coming back to the hotel empty handed forgetting that I went to the store for food.
75. Attempting to drive to New Jersey with Danophonic Dan and ending up in Deleware
76. Dinners at Tara's apartment before Black Lily shows
    
77. Playing Kickball in Prospect Park and then attempting to play Every Man For Themselves Dodgeball
78. Tara's birthday cake that had an inappropriate message on it
79. Getting drunk on Stella Artois with Hibo in London
80. After a girl he was messing with had left the dorm room, Kerwin and I trying to determine what that foul odor was
81. Playing tackle football in Cantiague Park on Sundays
82. Handing out flyers for Black Lily shows with Nou and Tank in the city
83. Sex
84. Getting chased out of Sherwood Gardens on Halloween for being from Westbury Hills
85. Matt: "What kind of stupid name is 'Hibo'?"
86. Seeing The Ring with Kristy and Eric (spoilers) and a) busting out laughing when the horse jumped off the boat and didn't clear the ledge and b) huddling up and yelling "WHAT THE FUCK?!" when the girl crawled out of the TV
87. Going to a random park, seeing Harold & Kumar Goes To White Castle then going to White Castle and ordering Crave Cases with Eric, Derreck, Bill, Tara and Ian
88. Getting kicked out of English Honors Class twice in 15 minutes: First for being late (I wasn't) and second when I was sent back to class without a detention and I chuckled at Mrs. Hill when he looked at me during attendance
89. My backrub exchange program with Anya
90. When my brother and his friends were riding around the neighborhood with weapons because they thought someone stole me bike
91. When my father foolishly had the barber shave my hair almost bald and I was so embarrassed that I opted to wear my Superman hat in class the next day. The teacher took me outside and told me to show her and it couldn't be that bad and I did and she laughed.
92. Out last day in Amsterdam when Derreck wouldn't let us leave any unfinished business
93. Lining up with Andrea to try to get the perfect space to watch Casablanca in Bryant Park
94. Racing back to the city from my high school reunion because Nikki and Tony were sending me text messages that Kevin was drunkenly making out with a really tall girl
95. The one year in Little League when our team won our division after playing on last place teams for three years
96. When Mary showed me her nipple piercing in Houlihan's in front of the window
97. Seeing the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in New Jersey from 10 AM to 1 AM at a movie theater in New Jersey with Tia
98. Playing "Red Light" on the bus on the way home from school.
99. Making mix tapes in my brother's room for T.Y. and E.B.
100. When Kerwin, Troy and I had to drag Rafick out of Christine's dorm because he was drunk, professing his love for Christine and wouldn't leave. Then we got him back to our room and he threw up and missed the the trash can and Kerwin kicked him.
     

If you are mentioned somewhere here, thanks for the memories. If not, I'm sure we have some beautiful memories that I just couldn't remember while I was putting this together (did I mention I drink a lot?). Feel free to leave a comment mentioning a memory of us you think I forgot (or if I got one I did post wrong). Otherwise, I look forward to making future memories with you. Bring a camera though. It will be easier for me to remember.

Continue reading Remember When...: 100 of My Favorite Memories

Eye Deal

I always say that I don't have a list of things I look for in women to decide if they are worthy of killing brain cells over but I know that's not true.

Everyone subconsciously has a list. If not a list of what they want in a significant other, they definitely know what they DON'T want.

The funny thing about these lists is they tend to be pretty hypocritcal. People will say they want things in a person that they don't have in themselves. Don't ask for a rich dude if you are working at McDonald's. Don't ask for a six pack when the only six pack you have is the Wise Snacks lunch pack because you couldn't decide between Dipsy and Cheesy Doodles.

All lists of significant other requirements should be made in context of what you are bringing to the table.

So, I'm going to try to pull my list out of my head and on to the screen and leave myself open to cries of hypocrisy. Also, I've always wanted to do my own version of Tank's 32 Ways To My Heart...

Activity Level: You have to like to stay in as much as you like to go. I'm a house plant myself but even I get cabin fever.

Age: Plus or minus five years. The closer the better. It's nicer if we watched the same cartoons growing up.

Bigotry: Racists and homophobes need not apply.

Body: I find myself attracted to people of all shapes and sizes BUT, I'm not going to bullshit you. I am naturally attracted to fit people. We all are and I don't imagine I will ever reach the enlightened state where I can automatically ignore their body. But then again I'm not that fit either. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to be people who aren't fit but I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not.

Career: Have a job or be employable. I'm not career-minded. I'm not planning to be CEO of anything. I'm sure that screams of "a lack of ambition." Whatever. I'm paid pretty okay for a guy with no discernible skills aside from being a "people person." If she's out to rule the world, more power to her.

Children: I want them. Shit, I hate taking out the trash and doing the dishes now. You think I want to be doing that shit for the rest of my life? Seriously though, I'm at that age where that needs to be upfront knowledge so if you don't want kids, any potential relationship gets downgraded to "fooling around."

Dietary: Carnivores preferred. Non-judgmental vegetarians welcome.

Education: College graduate preferred, college attendee or a successful high school graduate. I went to college and the only thing I got out of it was to put "New York University" on my resume. That said, the reason I prefer college graduates is it's something we share that we can reminisce about. Sure we can share our high school experience but then there are four years of my life that will be "You had to be there" stories.

Humor: If you don't make me laugh, the other stuff really won't matter. If I don't make you laugh, ditto. I'm not saying I'm Dave Chappelle but if I don't amuse you, I'm going to find it incredibly frustrating. Laughter is a mental orgasm and saying "That's funny" instead of actually laughing is the equivalent of "faking it."

Intelligence: Smart enough to argue with me but not smart enough to know I'm full of shit. This is not at all related to "Education." I know some pretty dumb Masters degree having fools.

Interests/Tastes: To quote Rob from High Fidelity, "...what really matters is what you like, not what you are like...these things matter, and it's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently, or your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party." I wish I could say that these things don't matter to me but nothing compares to talking to a person who loves something that you do.

Kindness: I find myself drawn to ultra-nice girls but that can get annoying since I'm not ultra-nice and I feel like a bad person around them. She can be a "bitch" as long as she means well.

Politics: Republicans need not apply. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Unless you are Republican the same way I am Lutheran: raised it but not practicing.

Profanity: She has to curse. She doesn't have to curse like a sailor but a "fuck" and a "shit" every once and awhile makes me feel better about my own potty mouth.

Race: Open to races but if you aren't a minority, you have to acknowledge that a) racism exists and b) it will always exist.

Sex: Don't be lazy or at least allow me to be lazy every once and awhile.

Sports: You don't have to love sports but you have to be accepting of my love of sports.

Social Life: Have one that doesn't center around me. I had a tendency to put the person I'm dating at the center of my universe and rotate around her. I'm working on it! But until I get over it, I can't have someone who's like me. It's be like a supernova of social dependency.

Television: This gets a separate mention from "Interests/Tastes." You don't have to love television as much as I do but you have to like it. More importantly, you can't be one of those self-righteous non-television watchers who thinks they are better than everyone else because they don't get sucked into the idiot box.

EXTRA CREDIT: Bring something into my life that I didn't know I wanted from another person (or be one of these women)

Not that I'm looking...

Continue reading Eye Deal

The Proust Questionnaire

The story of The Proust Questionnaire intrigued me so I'm going to try to answer the Age 20 questions as honestly as possible

1. What is your most marked characteristic?
Usefulness

2. What quality do you most like in a man?
Immaturity

3. What quality do you most like in a woman?
Maturity

4. What do you value most in your friends?
Comfort

5. What is your principal defect?
Easily content with a situation, positive or negative

6. What is your favorite occupation?
Being a friend

7. What is your dream of happiness?
Having more options than you know what to do with.

8. What to your mind would be the greatest misfortune?
Not having any good options

9. What would you like to be?
Living my dream of happiness

10. In what country would you like to live?
This country is good enough

11. What is your favorite color?
Red

12. What is your favorite flower?
Quoting Proust, "Hers - but apart from that, all"

13. What is your favorite bird?
Seagull

14. Who are your favorite prose writers?
Nick Hornby, Neil Gaiman, Chuck Palahniuk

15. Who are your favorite poets?
Khalil Gibran is the only one who comes to mind

16. Who are your favorite fictional heroes?
Batman, Hamlet, Lloyd Dobler

17. Who are your favorite fictional heroines?
I can't think of any

18. Who are your favorite composers?
I don't have any

19. Who are your favorite painters?
Salvador Dalí, René Magritte

20. Who are your heroes in real life?
Martin Luthor King, Jr., Malcolm X, Kevin Smith

21. Who are your favorite heroines of history?
Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Elizabeth I of England

22. What are your favorite names?
I'm not saying because if I have children, I'd like to use them and I don't want to give anyone reading this with a better shot at having children than me stealing them

23. What do you most dislike?
Tactless manipulation

24. What historical figures do you most despise?
Hitler seems like an easy answer

25. What event in military history do you most admire?
The Eastern Front (Third Reich vs. Soviet Union in World War II)

26. What reform do you most admire?
I don't know how to answer this (and neither did Proust)

27. What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Charm

28. How would you like to die?
Alone

29. What is your present state of mind?
I don't know if I'm depressed or bored

30. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
The ones that I think no one notices

31. What is your motto?
I don't have one.

Continue reading The Proust Questionnaire

So This Is The New Year...

How did I celebrate New Year's Day?

I left my friend's house at 10 PM. I went home, threw on my sweatpants and continued watching season three of The Wire (I rewatched seasons 1-3 this weekend in preparation for the season premiere of season 5 this Sunday). I drank three beers in Sean-like speed.

I may or may not have been awake at midnight but if I was, I definitely fell asleep shortly afterwards (Sorry to anyone who sent me a text message and didn't get one in return)/

Who cares about New Year's anyway? If you're single and not looking for a immediate-yet-temporary substitute, it's just a night to spend more money drinking than you would any other night. Why should my New Year's be anymore eventful than any other day of my life?

No resolutions this year (at least that I am publicly announcing) althought I didn't do so bad with last year's Do's and Don't. What changes I make, I make.


Death Cab For Cutie - "The New Year"

Continue reading So This Is The New Year...

100 Things That Make Me Happy (If Only For a Second)

Another project from Sheila:

1. Will Ferrell's scenes in whatever movie he is in
   
2. New comics on Wednesday
3. Snickers bars
4. New episodes of my favorite shows
5. Hearing a song that is line with what I'm feeling at the moment (if that moment is a good moment, of course)
6. Receiving cards in the mail (not e-cards, USPS style)
7. Receiving hugs in proportion to the hugs I'm giving
8. Trying to have a intelligent conversation with someone under the age of 9
9. This song
10. First kisses
11. Inside jokes
12. False glimmers of hope from crushes
13. Receiving a complement about something I don't necessarily believe about myself
14. The ten seconds between just finishing cleaning your room and starting the process of messing it up again
15. Seeing something I want on sale
16. The moment you realize a movie is going to be one of your favorites
17. Learning something new about someone I care about
18. Not having to get out of bed when other people are at work
19. Sugar
20. Beating the hard part of a video game
21. Winning
22. Being right
23. Having a conversation with a friend who is just as drunk as you are about how drunk you both aren't
24. Holding hands when its cold (locking fingers, not grasping hands)
25. Noticing something cute about someone they may not notice about themselves
26. When one of your favorite movies are on cable and you turn to it and it's at your favorite part
27. When I realize the person I saw a movie with loved it just as much as I did and instead of defending it, we can exchange praise, favorite parts and quotes all the way home.
28. Being finished with a project
29. When an album I've been dying to hear leaks on the internet
30. Soft vanilla ice cream in a cone with rainbow sprinkles
31. Getting comments on my blog especially from friends I didn't know read it
32. Watching recaps of the Yankees or Giants winning on SportsCenter
33. Getting a phone call right after a new episode of 24 or Lost concludes
34. When someone loves a movie I recommended
35. Finding a present that is perfect for someone
36. The first sip of the first beer after a long shitty day
37. When a book turns into something you have to finish, instead of something you are just reading
38. Rilo Kiley songs
39. Telling people who make at least $20,000 more than me what to do
40. Giving somebody something they wanted, especially if they didn't ask for it
41. A good chicken cheesesteak
42. Someone liking something I wrote
43. Not having to do anything
44. Genuine surprises
45. Seeing someone smile at me
46. Being complimented on what I'm wearing
47. Receiving voicemails & text messages from drunk friends
48. Being missed
49. Reading my friends' blogs
50. Having a good week in fantasy football
51. Game winning home runs by the Yankees
52. White Chocolate Mocha Latte from Starbucks
53. Black noodles with chicken from Spice
54. Reading Ask Ausiello on Wednesday morning and talking my friends about it
    
55. Looking at my checking account online and realizing I'm not going to be broke before my next paycheck arrives
56. Kristin Chenowith on Pushing Daisies
57. When the Yankees beat the Mets or the Red Sox
58. When the Mets and the Red Sox lose
59. Seeing pictures of myself that I actually like
60. Getting a back massage of equal or better quality than one I would give myself
61. Finding money in a pair of jeans
62. Finishing all the shows stored on my DVR
63. Shelia's morning instant messenger hugs
64. Tara's "eeeee" when something is hilarious
65. Nikki's 3D dance
66. Andrea's "I wanna see that!" face after a good movie trailer
67. Getting sincerely thanked
68. Seeing my friends who are pregnant
69. Open bars
70. Spring
71. Waking up at my stop on the subway (on the first try)
72. Having a really good idea
73. Welch's grape soda
74. When there are Twizzlers in the vending machine at work
75. When Jack Bauer shoots someone
76. Being done with work for the day or the week
    
77. When a movie I've been dying to see again finally comes out on DVD
78. Getting answers on Lost
79. Tropicana Orange Juice (No pulp)
80. Egg and bacon on a roll in the morning
81. H&H plain bagel, lightly toasted, one butter
82. New Perry Bible Fellowship comic strips
83. Being needed but not manipulated or abused
84. Juvenile humor
85. Getting a new tattoo
86. Being comfortable with someone or something
87. Having all my shirts ironed and put away
88. Meeting someone new who loves things that I love
89. Finishing my bag of comics for the week
90. Seeing someone I miss
91. Soft white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies
92. New t-shirts on Threadless (even if I'm not allowing myself to buy anymore)
93. Getting White Castle after 2 AM after a night of drinking and hanging out
94. Laughing hysterically with friends
95. Epiphanies
96. Seeing someone on the street I don't feel like talking to first so I can avoid them
97. Making someone feel better
98. Getting a blog post out of my system
99. Hearing an amazing album for the first time.
    
100. Making someone else smile...if only for a second
     

Continue reading 100 Things That Make Me Happy (If Only For a Second)

My Mail-Order Bride Arrived!

We're gonna be so happy together. Please respect our privacy during the honeymoon.

Continue reading My Mail-Order Bride Arrived!

100 Opinions I Hold That Are Open To Discussion

Feel free to disagree with me but I think...

1. ...MTV with their reality based programming is destroying the brains of young white girls everywhere.
   
2. ...BET is matching them step for step on destroying the brain of young African-Americans.
3. ...The only positive thing about the current state of hip-hop is that any kid now thinks he can be a rapper because bar has been lowered so low for what constitutes a "good song." It's nice to have dreams.
4. ...Lost is better than Heroes and it's damn near insulting to compare the two.
5. ...It's nice to support your team and all but until the Mets win at least two more World Series, Mets fans really shouldn't say shit about the Yankees.
6. ...The reason Batman resonates with fans more than Spider-Man and Superman is because he has no powers therefore creating the belief that, however unrealistic, with an unlimited bank account and near psychotic levels of training and dedication, you too can be Batman.
7. ...Women are generally smarter than men when it comes to matters of the heart. So much smarter that they end up out thinking themselves underestimating how dumb a guy can be.
8. ...You can track the decline of society by watching every season of MTV's The Real World in chronological order.
9. ...YouTube and WikiPedia are the two greatest things to happen to cubicle drones.
10. ...Tabloids are destroying what little intelligence the Western World has.
11. ...Men and women both get complacent in long-term relationships and stop doing the cute things that they did in the beginning of the relationships. Women just say something about it.
12. ...Guys love "bitches" almost as much as girls love "bad boys".
13. ...People don't change. They just learn to accept things.
14. ...The reason some guys can't commit a relationship is they are always thinking about what else they can be doing. It's like being a quarterback. One receiver is WIDE OPEN but you still check your other receivers to see if you can slip a pass in there.
15. ...When you are in the early stages of a relationship, it makes you blind to certain things. Most notably, how ridiculously you are acting in public.
16. ...No one can remember when they stopped making out with their significant other.
    
17. ...If Joey ended up with anyone, she should have ended up with Dawson, not Pacey. It was DAWSON'S CREEK not Pacey's Pond.
18. ...The Matrix was not intended to be a trilogy. The Wachowski Brothers lied to get more money.
19. ...The only friends worth keeping are the ones you can not talk to for long periods of time and nothing changes.
20. ...Going out to clubs is overrated.
21. ...Before you buy your favorite sports player's jersey, check out the terms of his contract with his team. Even then, it's still a short term investment.
22. ...Facebook is better than MySpace because the design is the same for every page. MySpace was ruined when they let members add songs and change the design.
23. ..."The Takeover" was better than "Ether" because Jay-Z dissed Nas from the perspective of a fan while Nas, while making a few valid digs, resorted to calling him "ugly" and "gay."
24. ...Denzel Washington shouldn't have won an Oscar for Training Day. He should have won it for Malcolm X.
25. ...It's a travesty that America doesn't have universal health care.
26. ...Carrie ending up with Big after everything he did to her over the course of the series gave all men hope that as long as she loves you, you still have a chance.
27. ...Women's shoes are designed to be comfortable to walk in for 10 minutes tops. That's how long it will take for them to decide to buy the shoe. Then they're proper fucked.
28. ...Guys don't ask other guys for advice on their relationships.
    
29. ...Paris Hilton is the most influential person in the last five years. She redefined (read: lowered the standard) for "celebrity" and was the harbinger of doom for the media.
30. ...Protests and petitions don't change anything.
31. ...The biggest mistake Marvel Comics made was bringing Jean Grey back from the dead.
32. ...The top three Not Ready For Prime Time Players were Bill Murray, Phil Hartman & Gilda Radner.
33. ...Spike Lee uses the movies to see the breast of actresses he finds attractive.
34. ...Female bartending is the most sexually discriminating job next to stripper. But at least there are fat, ugly strippers. If there's a fat,ugly bartender, she's is the owner or having sex with him.
    
35. ...George Lucas was lying when he said he intended Star Wars to have nine parts. He made it up as he went along.
36. ...You shouldn't be watching MTV programming if you are over the age of 30.
37. ..."Cancer" should never be used as a metaphor.
38. ...Women should spend more money on their significant others and not just for gift-giving holidays and birthdays. It's only fair.
39. ...Road House is the greatest B-movie ever made.
40. ...Every third movie of a Marvel film franchise has sucked.
41. ...Batman The Animated Series was the best cartoon based on a comic book character.
42. ...R&B songs are boring when you aren't in a relationship or reminiscing on one.
43. ...Brad Pitt's best role was 12 Monkeys.
44. ...Movies are too long these days.
45. ...Arrested Development (the TV show, not the hip-hop group) was ahead of its time.
46. ...24 is right wing propaganda.
47. ...Love Actually is the best romantic comedy of the last five years.
48. ...The New York Giants will never win a Super Bowl with Eli Manning at quarterback.
49. ...Technology is getting everyone to the point of never having to leave your house. The last step will be a video cell phone (meaning you can see the person you are talking to).
50. ..."Douche" as an insult is in the midst of a renaissance.
51. ...People who think they are special because they don't want an iPod are douches.
    
52. ...Duke should have died in G.I. Joe The Movie.
53. ...People who talk during movies should be sterilized.
54. ...Parenting classes should be given alongside Lamaze classes.
    
55. ...They shouldn't have made a trilogy out of Pirates of the Carribean.
56. ...Die Hard is the greatest action movie ever.
57. ...Tony Soprano was killed.
58. ...The Rock was the best wrestler in the last 20 years.
59. ...Val Klimer was a pretty good Batman but he sucked as Bruce Wayne because he spoke in the same tone.
60. ...Dream On was a more realistic depiction of dating in New York City than Sex & The City.
61. ...Carrie was given a second chance with Aidan so he could be somewhat vilified and Carrie can recover some of the likability she lost when she cheated on him.
62. ...Will Ferrell, while appearing in a number of really bad movies, is incapable of not being funny.
63. ...Adam Sandler has only tried to act in four movies - The Wedding Singer, Punch Drunk Love, Spanglish & Reign Over Me.
    
64. ...Sega Genesis was a better machine that the Nintendo 64 but Nintendo had the 3rd party support.
65. ...Mary J. Blige has one dance step. She should really try to stand still when she sings.
66. ...High Fidelity is the closest we've come to "Bro Flick" (as opposed to a "Chick Flick")
67. ...Living a long boring life is the worst way to die, followed closely by drowning and suffocating.
68. ...If your ass crack shows when you bend over, your jeans do not fit. Take them off and change into something more appropriate.
69. ...It is impossible for a guy not to stare at cleavage at least once. If you don't notice, it means he got his fill while you weren't paying attention.
70. ...Chappelle's Show was funnier than The Chris Rock Show but Chris Rock is a better stand-up comedian.
71. ...Racism will never end.
72. ...Three greatest comic strips of all-time: The Peanuts, The Far Side and Calvin & Hobbes.
73. ...Whole Foods is one of the best places to meet attractive singles in New York City. Better than a bar.
74. ...Fall is the best season because you actually can dress for it and it doesn't rain as much as it does in Spring.
    
75. ...If you are constantly talking to your friends and family about your relationship problems but not to your significant other about your relationship problems, break up.
76. ...Despite the advancements in birth control, you probably shouldn't sleep with someone you couldn't stand to be a part of your life forever. You never know.
77. ...You shouldn't even think about getting married to someone if you can't sit in a room with them and not say anything to one another and not be bothered by that fact.
78. ...You should be allowed to slap guys who have their polo collars popped.
79. ...Monica should not have been able to afford that apartment on Friends. I don't care if it was rent stabilized. Rachel and her weren't consistently employed for the first six seasons.
80. ...It's a cliche to say but Aquaman really was the lamest Justice Leaguer.
81. ..."Bennifer" ruined Ben Affleck's career but Jennifer Lopez seemed to escape with only a few scratches.
82. ...Kevin Smith peaked too soon with Chasing Amy.
83. ...Futurama should have been saved instead of Family Guy.
84. ...You shouldn't date your friends unless the basis of your friendship was mutual attraction therefore making your friendship a trial run at dating.
85. ...DuckTales was the best Disney after school cartoon.
86. ...Relationships with coworkers always end poorly.
87. ...The A Nightmare On Elm Street franchise was ruined when they decided that Freddy Kreuger should be funny.
88. ...The biggest problem with US sitcoms is that they never know when to end. If every show had a five season plan that they stuck to, even if it was a high rated show, the quality of television would improve.
89. ...Kids shouldn't be allowed to read Cosmopolitan and Maxim and magazines like that until they are 18.
90. ...If you could get quality vegetarian dishes at McDonald's prices, there would be more vegetarians.
91. ...Crash (over Brokeback Mountain) was the most ridiculous Academy Award winner for Best Picture in the last 10 years followed by Shakespeare In Love (over Saving Private Ryan).
92. ...Quentin Tarantino abuses the N word in his movies but he's not as bad as Martin Scorsese who has an affinity for racist characters.
93. ...All of Wes Anderson's movies feel like they are taking place at the same time, in the same world, just in different parts of town.
94. ...Lebron James is the future of the NBA but he won't win a title with the Cleveland Cavaliers before his contract is up.
95. ...The future presented in Mike Judge's Idiocracy doesn't seem that improbable.
96. ...Paparazzi are the scum of the Earth.
97. ...Superman flying around the world to save Lois Lane was the worst deus ex machina ever filmed.
98. ...If your name ends in "-quita," your parents have cursed you with a social disadvantage.
99. ...It's harder to find someone you actually want to hold hands with than it is someone to sleep with.
100. ...There has been a song written for every matter of the heart.

Continue reading 100 Opinions I Hold That Are Open To Discussion

100 More Facts About Sean

Since the last one was so popular and I forgot a couple, let's do 100 more...

1. I can't use chopsticks.
2. I have four tattoos.
   
3. I can't tell good stories. Like when people describe something that happens at work and it sounds interesting...I can't do that. it always falls flat.
4. I think I have 15-20 anecdotes that I tell over and over again because I don't think anything else that's happened to me or around me has been that interesting.
5. I spend too much money on alcohol
6. I failed my driver's exam on the first try. The test lasted less than two minutes as I drifted into the lane of oncoming traffic as I was preparing for a left turn.
7. I am not very good at sports. I can't catch fly balls, I shoot basketballs awkwardly and either I can't throw a spiral AND connect with my target.
8. My friend Lance who went on to play college basketball once told me that you could have come out and played basketball with me and gotten really good or stayed home and played video games and read comics. Guess which I went with?
9. My parents bought me a video camera for Christmas one year. Why? I don't know. All I ever did with it was re-enact Wu-Tang Clan videos at my friend's houses.
10. I lost my virginity at 18.
11. My mother only spanked once but it was so bad, I blacked out and have no recollection of the beating. I just woke up in bed like what happened?
12. The reason I love England so much is it was the only non-Jamaica trip I went on as a kid (Canada doesn't count). That and I LOVED DangerMouse as a kid.
    
13. I went to my senior prom with this girl who I was friends with. We really just wanted to go to the prom. Her father picked her up at 11:30 PM on the dot and took her home which was fine because I was in pursuit of someone else.
14. I miss one thing about each of my exes.
15. When I was in 8th grade, I was into heavy metal. My favorite album at the time was Metallica's ...And Justice For All. I had magazine posters of various groups. I was teased by the black kids in school and the neighborhood.
16. I like buying gifts for people.
17. When I was in grade school, I once bought my mother these cheap earrings (but expensive for me) at a fair. She never wore them, keeping them in the original packaging. This coupled with the fact that she kept all the plants I bought her in the downstairs bathroom reminds me why I don't like buying my mother presents.
18. I apparently have a lot of Cancerian-typical mommy issues.
19. I can't swim.
20. I almost drowned in 4th grade at a friend's pool party. I was in an inflatable donut over the deep end and my friend thought it would be funny to run and jump into the donut and kick me out. I went straight to the bottom. Another parent pulled me out.
    
21. The most I ever weighed was 207.
22. I have never attempted to obtain a woman's phone number at a bar, club or any other social gathering.
23. I took two years of high school Spanish, five semesters of Spanish at NYU (you were only required to take four but i failed the competency test and was forced to take a fifth) and I still can't maintain a conversation in Spanish beyond "Hola", "Como estas?", "Asi asi. Y tu?"
24. I'm not sure if I believe in God or a celestial omnipotent being because I actually believe or because of my years of Lutheran Sunday School and Catholic school make it impossible for me NOT to believe in the existence of a divine being.
25. I don't however support religion. They are like different futbol teams in the same league with fans that can act like hooligans.
26. I have over 11,000 songs on my iPod.
    
27. The most tracks I have by one artist is Jay-Z with 167.
28. I have been balding since I was 19.
29. I think people who jaywalk with babies should have their children taken away.
30. I think OJ is innocent but knows who did it. To do all the things they say he did that night would make him a) superhuman and b) the dumbest criminal alive. I just don't think he was both.
    
31. I get nervous around cops.
32. The first time I shaved my head was an accident. It was the day before Senior year yearbook photos and I neglected to get a haircut so I woke my brother up at 5:30 AM to give me a haircut. He ended up cutting off all my hair except a patch in the back. I took my picture and had to shave my head to even it out. Unfortunately, bald heads were forbidden in my school and I had detention until it grew back to a reasonable length.
33. The first album I had sex to was Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite.
34. I wish I could be a better son but I'm too stuck in my ways.
35. 3 or 4 years ago, my father was having a stent put in his heart and I drove him to the hospital for the surgery. Feeling the potential mortality of the situation, he chose this opportunity to tell me, "I wish you had gone to graduate school." I'm still pissed about that.
36. I only eat hot dogs because it gives me excuse to have ketchup.
37. I have two groups of friends who probably won't meet until my wedding or, more likely, my funeral.
38. I have only smoked cigarettes twice - once when I was a little kid and we found a pack at the park we used to play at and we each took a puff and once when I went to England and got drunk and smoked 3-5 of my friend's Marlboro Lights. I thought about smoking for the next 2 days and can see how it might be addicting.
39. I went through this weird period in Junior year of NYU when Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing was my favorite album (Thanks, Eva).
40. I've never dated someone close to my complexion. Not by intention.
    
41. I stopped reading comics in freshman and sophomore year for two reasons: 1) I couldn't afford to take the LIRR to see my girlfriend in Queens and buy comics every week on my crappy pay and 2) I was kind of embarrassed that I read comics and hid it from her.
42. Song vs. song, I still think Jay-Z won.
43. On the morning of 9/11, I left my girlfriend's house, took the bus with my headphones on. There was an announcement but I didn't hear it because I was listening to music. I got on the E train and the train stopped and the conductor said something over the speaker and people started talking but I missed it because I was listening to music. When I got out the subway, I saw the streets were crowded and people were looking up but I didn't notice because I was late to work. When I got to work, it was pretty empty and I didn't have Internet access so I didn't know what had happened until about 9:15 AM when my co-worker came in.
44. My favorite color is red.
45. If I drink too much Stella Artois, I start speaking in a British accent. This has become known as "Cockney Sean."
    
46. I have never cheated on a girlfriend.
47. I suspect one girlfriend actually cheated on me, while I was definitely the victim of a couple of emotional affairs.
48. If I could be stuck on a deserted island with one book, it would be The Complete Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson.
49. In 8th grade during class, one of my classmates decided to dry hump his hand during Science class. I told a couple of some people and it spread like wildfire and we were all laughing at him. Someone told it was me who started saying it and, despite the best effort of my female classmates, he punched me in my chest and sent me straight to the nurse.
50. I can deal with racism and all the other shit that comes with being a Black man...but the razor bumps are a pain in the ass.
51. I love the words "myriad" and "delve".
52. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't surf the net when I get bored at work which is often.
53. I can't snowboard but that doesn't stop me from trying.
54. I miss riding on the LIRR because of all the time I had to read.
55. I'm pro-life.
56. I loved each of my girlfriends or at least what I understood love to be at the time I was with them.
57. I have over 300 DVDs that I rarely, if ever, watch.
58. When I was a kid, my brother had me intercept any mail that would piss my parents off - letters from school, parking tickets, credit card bills.
    
59. The only pets I ever had were gerbils. The plan was to buy a male and female gerbil and sell the babies but Petworld gave me three male gerbils before they finally gave me a female one. Then it turned into a gerbil rape cage. I only sold one gerbil. They started to multiply quickly. There wasn't enough food so they started eating each other. At the peak, I had 21. My room smelled of gerbil piss 24/7. My father let them into the woods when I wasn't home...or so he said.
60. I'm not secretive. I'm just not forthcoming with personal information unless asked direct questions. Luckily, most people are content to talk about themselves.
61. The scar under my right eye is from a bike accident I got into when I was 13.
62. If there was a fire in my apartment or my office, I'd be okay as long as I had my iPod.
63. I was a prolific writer of notes in high school. I had five shoe boxes of notes: one each for notes from Jen, Eva, Tina and Elysia, and one more miscellaneous notes. I held onto to them until I was about 25 when my parents finally threw them away. I would love to read them again.
64. I like being a "boyfriend."
65. That said, at this stage in my life, I can't even imagine what kind of girl it would take to make me be a boyfriend again.
66. I used to hate when people say "You don't sound Black." They don't realize how stupid that concept is.
67. I can tell when I like someone when I have to stop myself from buying things for them that I'd think they'd like.
68. I can't drink and "eat sandwiches*" in the same outing. The combination causes my brain to shut down completely.
69. In my History class, the teacher told us on the first day that if you didn't do the homeworks, you wouldn't pass the class. I took it as a personal challenge. I never did the homeworks but aced all the tests and papers. I got a 78.
    
70. If I could grow my hair back, I'd grow back a hi-top fade like I had in 8th grade.
71. I've never gotten a flu shot. I look forward to the flu because it gives me a reason to not go to work.
72. The last memory of my maternal grandmother is when I was 10 or 11 and at her house in Montego Bay with my Aunt Rose and she was talking to me but her patois was so thick, I caught maybe every 3rd or 4th word. I wonder what she was trying to say. It sounded important.
73. I don't think I exchanged more than 10 words with my maternal grandfather before he died.
74. I used to love theorizing about love and relationships. Now, I just consigned to being as confused as everyone else.
75. My blood type is O Positive.
76. I don't think I could name all 50 states.
77. Sometimes I see people from college or high school on the street and I purposely avoid them because I don't feel enduring the "So what's going on with you?" part of the conversation.
78. I am highly neophobic when it comes to food.
79. I have a hairy back and chest. I'm not Sasquatch hairy but I still hate it.
80. I'd shave my back and chest but a) I can't reach my certain parts of my back, b) I'd probably slack and end up itchy all day and c) everyone knows I have a hairy chest (at least) so it would be like getting a toupee or hair plugs.
81. Fall is my favorite season, followed by Spring.
82. My bike got stolen once from the mall. My father and my friend's father drove around with baseball bats and got it back.
83. My brother thought my bike got stolen once. This little kid in the neighborhood saw me riding with my friends and this kid I knew but he didn't yelled, "Get off your bike, Sean!" The kid ran to my house and told my brother. They drove around the neighborhood heavily armed looking for my bike until I told them it was a misunderstanding.
84. I've only gotten into one real fight with my brother and it was over a camera of his I broke when I was a kid. It lasted all of 20 minutes.
85. I have no sense of direction.
86. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with You Can't Do That On Television. I think that's why I like Alanis Morissette so much.
87. I fall asleep in the fetal position.
88. I don't like jelly. I eat peanut butter only sandwiches.
89. Movies I will hold against you if you haven't seen/hate:
    
• say anything...
• The Princess Bride
• Before Sunrise
• Before Sunset
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• High Fidelity
90. I once went out with a girl I liked and everything was going fine until she told me Meteor Man was one of her favorite movies.
91. People I've been told I look like: Andre Braugher, Djimon Hounsou, Steve Harris (from The Practice), Ernest Thomas (Raj from What's Happening).
92. I don't agree with any of them.
93. I have a problem hitting "Send" on e-mails before re-reading what I wrote.
94. The night John Starks shot 2-18 from the field in Game 7 of the 1994 NBA Finals was one of the saddest nights of my life. I turned off the TV before the game ended so i didn't have to see the celebration and tried to make myself go to sleep.
95. I was a Boy Scout for a couple of years. My father pulled me out because he thought someone was dressed as a Ku Klux Klan member at the Halloween party. I didn't find out about this until years after the fact. If he had told me, I would have informed him that it was just someone dressed as a ghost.
96. My first job was at Hicks Nurseries. I helped load packages into cars amongst other dirty work. We frequently received tips for our work. The highlight of my tenure as my best friend mother showed up and I loaded eight bags of manure into her Pathfinder on a hot ass day. She gave fifty cents as a tip. It was the cheapest tip I received in the many months I worked there.
    
97. I always need to have a cover on me in bed, preferably my comforter. If it's too hot, I'll make my room cold enough to compensate.
98. I was so freaked out after The Blair Witch Project that I didn't sleep the night I saw it and I was flying to Miami the next day at 7 AM. I stayed up talking to Tara on AIM who I saw the movie with for as long as she'd stay awake.
99. If I talk to someone with a British accent too long, I start speaking in one as well.
100. I don't know if I act like a prototypical Cancer because I am a prototypical Cancer or because I've read enough horoscope books to know how a prototypical Cancer acts.

And that is another 100. I don't think I'll be doing this again. Otherwise, I'll post something I'll regret.

* How I Met Your Mother reference

Continue reading 100 More Facts About Sean

I Wish I Had Friends That Lived Near and Visited...

...then I could justify buying Rock Band for the XBOX 360.

Continue reading I Wish I Had Friends That Lived Near and Visited...

100 Facts Follow-up: Questions On Love And Other Diseases

So after reading my 100 Facts About Sean post, my ex-pimpstress and friend from the Netherlands, Amal had a bunch of questions for me and I promised I'd answer them here:

1. Are you satisfied with life and environment? If not, what would you like to change?

I don't know if I'd use the word "satisfied." I don't look around my messy room, stacks of DVDs, unironed shirts and think "This is the life." It's A life. That's the problem. I don't know what I'd change about things if I could so there's no reason to complain.

2. If you could change the public perception of you, what would you change and what not?

I really don't know what people think of me, so I don't know what I'd change. Believe me, I prefer to not know what anyone thinks of me. My fragile ego couldn't take it.

3. Why aren't you scooping up your part of the pussy on a platter service in New York?

Who knows? I really should be getting my piece of the pie, right? I find new reasons time every night I find myself in a situation. My current favorite is "I live too far away." Ok, I'm not really answering this. I guess I'm shy around strangers but when I finally feel comfortable, I'm not shy enough and I start blathering and effectively get "pussy" removed from Today's Specials. And when that's not the case, I just don't feel like it.

4. In what way did your parents relationship influence your way of handling relationships?

They were a "How Not To" as far as relationships go. Growing up, they made me MORE affectionate towards my friends, more "huggy" I guess, to fill the lack at home. The irony is, then my mom started to go to church and she got all affectionate and I can't reciprocate because it's awkward to me. Go figure.

5. Are you the male version of a Bag Lady?

Am I to assume you are referring to the Erykah Badu song? If so, definitely not. I'm rather proud of the lack of baggage I'm carrying with me. I don't have trust issues or issues with getting hurt again from previous relationships. I shed that skin a long time ago.

6. It is quite hip to be a nerd, why aren't you cashing on this phenomenon?

I'm not a hip nerd. There are such things as being a hip nerd, I don't know how to be it. That would require me to rein in my passion about the things I'm nerdy about - comics, TV, movies - and I can't seem to pull it off. There is nothing more unattractive then when I start talking about Lost to some unassuming women who mentioned she watches. NOTHING. I almost have an out of body experience and start yelling to myself, "She doesn't care about your theory about Desmond's time loop being the key to preventing the future that Jack and Kate currently reside in."

7. Why aren't you moving to London? As a young American of Jamaican descendant, you would win the jackpot.

A) Because the U.S. dollar isn't worth shit there which means I'd have to save DOUBLE the money to pull it off and B) I don't have the kind of job skills that I can take anywhere...yet.

8. Why do you fear attention?

I don't fear attention, I just don't respond well to it. I never accept compliments as the truth. Perfect example, any time someone says I've lost weight at work, I always say, it's just what I'm wearing today...no matter what I'm wearing. I don't want to be forgotten but I prefer to not be noticed.

9. To quote the character Celine from Before Sunrise; what's a problem for you?

Accepting situations as they are without seeking to change them.

10. Do you have any unordinary ideas on love and other diseases? If so, share the wealth.

I used to think I knew everything about love. I would have weekly epiphanies about love especially in the last few years. Now I just don't think about it. I used to seek out love like it was my life's goal. Now, I don't miss being loved or loving another. I'll settle for appreciation.

Any other questions?

Continue reading 100 Facts Follow-up: Questions On Love And Other Diseases

100 Facts About Sean

Inspired (practically tasked) by SMZ, here are 100 facts about yours truly. This turned into more "confessions" than "facts" but whatever. Shall we begin?

1. I am allergic to animal dander and dust which does not stop me from petting animals or inspire me to dust my room weekly.
2. I used to be mad at my brother because he was allowed to drink orange soda at breakfast (he was allergic to orange juice)
3. In high school, my friend Eric and I were referred to as Raj and Rerun from What's Happening. It was such a popular nickname/taunt (depending on your perspective) that the English teacher started humming the What's Happening theme song when he found out. Dick.
4. I have had three girlfriends.
   
5. The length of the relationship and time between the end of the previous relationship and start of the new relationship has grew exponentially each time.
6. I fooled around with my GRE study partner the night before the test. I blame that incident on my low test score.
7. I took an thrown-away essay idea from my best friend in 8th grade and turned it into an award-winning essay.
   
8. My first kiss was the last day of Young People's Day Camp on the bus ride home. Her name was Jen and I was ten (yes, I know that rhymed).
9. I haven't had a check-up in almost 10 years. I'm not sure if I'm afraid something is actually wrong with me or that nothing is wrong with me.
10. The summer after 8th grade, I went to Jamaica and bought this "Friendship" banner thingy with a poem on it for a girl I had a huge crush on. I could never work up the nerve to give it to her even though I had three opportunities. It currently hangs in my bedroom.
11. I have never broken a bone in my body.
12. From junior year of high school to junior year of college, I was a semi-serious watcher of Days of Our Lives.
13. My mother once flat out asked me if I'm gay. Then a couple of days later, I went into the city the same day as the Gay Pride Parade. When I saw my mother again, she said "So, what did you do in the city on Sunday?"
14. The first cassette tapes that I owned were Batman soundtrack, Ghostbusters II soundtrack and Leaders of the New School's A Future Without A Past.
15. I cried when Optimus Prime died in Transformers The Movie.
16. I used to have my brother forge almost anything that required my parents' signature - detentions, permission slips, etc.
17. I got caught shoplifting twice - the last time stealing a pack of batteries for a girl.
18. I really don't get worked up about attractive celebrities but I pretend to in public to fit in.
19. I don't know anything about cars.
20. I'm uncomfortable walking around without a soundtrack.
21. I didn't hear the N-word in reference to me until high school.
22. The first real racism I experienced in life was when I girl who I was really close with freshman year of high school was told by her mother she wasn't allowed to hang out with or speak to me anymore.
23. After me and girlfriend #2 broke up in Sophmore year, I locked myself in my room and played PlayStation in the dark for two weeks. She bought me the PlayStation two days before we broke up.
    
24. My favorite name as a child growing up was "Alicia."
    
25. I was once asked by a friend, "When are you going to start thinking about yourself?" I still don't have an answer for her.
26. If Angieee and Rich has hired me to work on the Black Lily website (despite being incredibly unqualified), I would have moved to Philly. When it didn't happen (coupled with being on my last few unemployment checks), I cried...hard.
27. I hug people the way I do because I don't know any other way.
28. If I deleted 75% of the hip-hop off my iPod, I don't think I'd miss it.
29. I once got stung on the bottom lip by a mosquito in grade school. My lip ballooned to a size of a Ball Park frank.
30. I used to be so insecure about my appearance that I wouldn't look at myself with my glasses on.
31. I used to cry when my glasses got knocked off my face because I was afraid to tell my father I broke them.
    
32. If I have to decide between "making a move on someone" or "just being friends and living with being attracted to them for the duration of our friendship," 9.87 times out of ten, I will choose the later.
33. I give pretty good massages.*
34. With a couple of rare exceptions, I don't think there is such a thing as a "good kisser" and a "bad kisser," just bad rhythmic matches
35. That said, I'm a good kisser.*
36. The only comfort of this blog is I know only 10 people read it, only four regularly.
37. My dream job is working at a Mom & Pop video rental store...making 70K a year.
38. After Fact #23 stopped happening, I took to renting videos non-stop. I rented over 45 movies from January to May of Sophomore year. The store I rented from considered giving me my own "Sean's Picks" section.
39. Unless I'm drunk or really sleepy, I fall sleep to one of my chill mixes on my iPod.
40. I love Snickers bars above all other chocolate candy bars.
41. I've never thrown a punch in the context of a fight.
42. I have, however, been punched twice in the face and a number of times in the body, kicked in the face and hit with a shovel.
43. I rarely remember my dreams.
44. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be England.
45. I've never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld.
46. I have eczema.
47. I am bad with money.
48. I have been reading comic books almost as long as I have been reading.
49. I took Psychology as a major in college because I listened and dealt with so many people's problems, I thought I might as well get paid for it.
50. I live in constant fear that one day someone at work is going to realize I don't know what I'm talking about and then I'll be let go.
51. I can consume anything grape-flavored but I'm not nuts about grapes.
52. I've Google-d a fair number of people who I've had interest in.
53. I bite my nails.
54. I was convinced my parents were going to get a divorce as soon as I was 18 or 21.
55. I was kind of disappointed when they didn't.
    
56. I tried to get dreads put in my hair in college but the girl did a crappy job.
57. There is cancer in my family.
58. I hate when my favorite song on an album becomes a single.
59. I used to love to argue. Now, if someone disagrees with me, I'll concede.
60. My favorite ice cream was Dolly Madison's Vanilla. They stopped making it. They only make Vanilla Bean. It's just not the same.
61. I don't feel like I fit in with my extended family.
62. At my job at the NYU Medical Library, this cute little 16 year old used to flirt with me all the time (I was 20 I think) and one day she kissed me on the lips when I wasn't paying attention. I freaked out and I was like, "Don't do that again."
63. I've been in three car accidents but only once as the driver.
64. I have imagined what it would be like to get into a fist fight with most of my male friends and if I could take them in a fight (guess who wins in my imagination?).
65. I thought I'd be married by now.
66. I get very uncomfortable when people cry in front of me.
67. I haven't bought a CD since Jay-Z's The Black Album.
68. I'm surprised I ever wanted to get married after growing up in my house.
69. My left leg is longer than my right leg. I was supposed to wear an insert in my right shoe but I always forgot.
70. I have sclerosis. The doctor thought I might have to wear a back brace at one time.
    
71. My mother makes me self-conscious about my weight.
72. I used to cheat on tests in high school.
73. I didn't believe in homework. That's why God invented a long bus ride to school, free period and lunch.
74. My favorite Shakespeare play to read is Macbeth.
75. I didn't get Student of the Month in St. Brigid's until 4th grade.
76. I used to sneak out of Art Class in St. Mary's High School in Sophomore year to hop over the fence, go to The Wiz and buy new music.
77. I don't respond well to attention.
78. I wish I went to USC or Syracuse instead of NYU...but only during college football season.
79. If I had a choice, I'd rather a daughter over a son.
80. I don't have a plan for the future, near or distant.
81. I hope I live long enough to see the series finale of Lost.
82. I was sadder when Phil Hartman died than when my grandmother died (in my defense, I only met my grandmother twice).
83. My pinky toes are both pretty gnarled up from stubbing them constantly on my bed growing up. I wish they would have fallen out so I could get a do over.
84. I miss driving around listening to music.
85. I want to learn two languages but I just don't have the patience.
86. I always bring my camera because a) I like taking pictures of my friends and b) it assures that I will be in the least amount of pictures.
87. I love talking about TV shows. I think it's the only thing I'm really passionate about anymore.
88. I played Little League for five years and I sucked for four of them. My last year, I was so below-average, my coaches used to ask me to lean into pitches to try to get hit.
89. I went to Lutheran Sunday School and Confirmation school until my parents didn't feel like driving me anymore so I never got confirmed.
90. I didn't get into football until the Giants beat the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game in 1990.
91. Kids aren't interesting to me until they can talk.
92. I got my ear pierced when I was 13. My friend Lance disinfected one of my mother's earrings, put ice on my ear lobe and just popped it through. My parent's didn't notice for almost a year.
93. If I had a job that paid well and would let me get away with it, I would pierce my nose and tattoo my forearms.
94. In high school, I used to talk to my friend on the phone so much, my mother had a $300 phone bill. She was the friend referred to in Fact #22.
95. On my first day of NYU, while walking around the city, this guy asked me for directions, then followed me around and asked if I wanted to hang out with him. I said "No thanks," immediately went back to my dorm and changed my clothes.
96. I used to be in a children's choir. Me and this girl were supposed to be the featured singers. Then puberty kicked in.
97. I hate hearing my voice on recordings or videos.
98. I prefer white wine to red wine but always feel awkward when I'm the only guy drinking white.
99. I've written three angry, emotional e-mails that I know have made the recipients cry.
100. I wish I still knew how to write like that

And, we're done!

* So I've been told

Continue reading 100 Facts About Sean

Sigh

It's funny how just believing for a minute that it's a day later than it actually is can ruin your whole day.

Continue reading Sigh

My New Project a.k.a. My New Time Killer

I promised I wouldn't share until I wrote SOMETHING.

Now I did so this is me sharing.

Enjoy (or hate)! I really don't care. It just gives me something to do

My Blog Is An Open Book

Continue reading My New Project a.k.a. My New Time Killer

Pseudorandomness

Here's some stuff going on that didn't warrant it's own post...like anything I write warrants it's own post:

• I lost a little bit of weight over the past few months. The problem is my pants don't fit very well anymore. They all require that extra tug of the belt that causes them to bunch up which makes my work shirts look bad. Now, I can go out and buy new pants but am I sure that i can stick to this weight/size? What if I get depressed? Or become a binge eater? Or worse, get a girlfriend (the cause of my last two serious weight gains)? Sure I can get them tailored but that gets pricey. I don't know.
  
• So...I bought an 4GB iPhone recently. The way I rationalized it was the price drop made it the same price as all the phones I wanted to get (in some cases the iPhone was actually cheaper). I wasn't pressed to get the 8GB one because I already have an 80 GB iPod so I'll never use the phone as my primary listening device (although I do use it for video). The weird thing is I find myself embarrassed when i take it out in front of people because it always becomes a big deal. "Oh, you have an iPhone?! How is it?!? Blah Blah Blah" I was at a gathering at a bar with some coworkers and I got a text message and I purposely didn't look at it in front of them. I like cool things but I hate the attention.
• Halo 3 comes out on September 25th and I can't wait. I'd be more excited if I had the time to play it. I have 4-5 games at home just waiting for me to sit down and complete. With Fall TV coming up, I don't think I'll ever beat Halo or any of the games collecting dust at my house. I still have Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for PS2 and I barely gave it 5 hours play time.

Continue reading Pseudorandomness

Leading Questions: Rilo Kiley

Do you like/love Rilo Kiley?

If so, what's your favorite song?

Do you live in New York?

What are you doing Sunday night?

Do I even know you?

I'm just asking.

Continue reading Leading Questions: Rilo Kiley

Long Short Weekend

I have really got to plan my days better.

Without getting into the whole spiel, I decided that I could see Interpol at Madison Square Garden on Friday night and go to an 11:30 AM wedding in Atlanta on Saturday.

It actually went better than I thought.

After work, Tara and Reggie of the band-I-have-yet-to-see-or-hear Sankofa met up at House of Brews and had a couple of drinks. This was the only flaw in the plan because it almost had dire consequences later. We headed over to Madison Square Garden, just in time to see Cat Power open. She was kind of awful. Her set seemed rushed. I fell asleep towards the end.

Finally Interpol came on around 10:35 PM. They were great but the venue didn't do them any favors. The sound seemed off. I would have rather seen them in a smaller place like Bowery Ballroom. But that is not a knock on Interpol because they did every song I would have wanted them too and more.

So we got out of there around midnight. I rushed home and threw my suitcase on my bed. I shaved and showered, packed my bag and chilled to watch the Yankees-Red Sox highlights (Take that, Papelbon!) over and over until it was time to go.

I got on the subway and just caught 3:06 to Jamaica so I can catch the AirTrain to JFK. Unfortunately, this was what it commonly known as the Drunk Train because this is the train that all the Long Islanders who were out drinking their asses off catch before the 90 minute LIRR train break (Consequently, the first train after the break is called the Sleep Train because no one is awake on that having been forced to hang out in the city too long for missing the Drunk Train). As annoying as it was to have eight drunk girls screaming about how they this-that-and-the-other with guys in the club, it did prove useful. The drinks I had earlier were making me sleepy and passed out briefly. I was startled out of sleep when another group of drunk girls through a bag of McDonald's fries at the group of girls sitting behind me. A fight was about to break out when my stop arrived.

I checked in (after another nap), got some Burger King breakfast and waited for the plane to board. AGAIN, I fell asleep, this time waking up right before the last group of people were boarding the plane. I was actually the last one to get on the plane. I got another 90 minutes of sleep on the flight.

We got to Atlanta 20 minutes early, took a cab to the hotel, checked in and I was all set. I wouldn't sit down because if I fell asleep that would be it.

We got to the wedding which was really nice and brief (my favorite kind of weddings) an the reception was at th 755 Club at Turner Field. It was a little too baller for me. I feel like "Good Life" from Kanye West and T-Pain should have been playing as we were entering the reception. All and all, it was fun times.

We got back to the hotel, I changed back to my jeans and proceeded to sleep for an hour before we made a quick Chik-Fil-A run (there is no way I go to Atlanta and NOT get some Chik-Fil-A) then I headed back to the hotel and passed out until it was time to get up and catch my 10:45 AM flight.

All and all, it was fun times. Plus, I don't want to toot my horn but I looked pretty damn good in my suit.

Interpol photo by luhp

Continue reading Long Short Weekend

Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

So I hate talking on the phone...

I don't know when this all started but I have gotten to the point that if you call me and you get my voicemail, don't assume I was too busy to answer the phone or away from my phone.

8 times out of 10, I looked at my cell phone, saw your name and decided that I'd rather keep watching TV or hanging out than take your call.

I know that sounds really mean but that's how I feel.

It's not you, it's me.

It's not that I don't like hearing from my friends and family but, with a few exceptions (my brother being one), I really don't have anything to say in return. I don't find my life that interesting to talk about. I don't like talking to people who I don't work with (and who don't know who I'm referring about) about what goes on at my job. I always find it amazing that people can draw so much conversation about their day at work. Some people can describe work with the same passion they would recounting an episode of Lost or Grey's Anatomy. I always say the same thing:

Someone: How's work?
Me: Same old, same old.

I don't have a girlfriend and if I did, I wouldn't talk about her. That's not my modus operandi. I don't ask for advice nor opinions about how to deal with romantic entanglements. The most I'll do is tell you what happened and what I did.

So without anything to talk about, a phone call for me becomes about "How much do I want to listen to you?" Most people don't call you wanting to talk about you. They want to talk about themselves and if you are lucky, you can interject some little tidbit about your life in there.

When I was in high school, I would stay on the phone for hours and hours. I had a friend who I would talk on the phone with from 8 PM until 1 AM in the morning. my mother had $300 phone bills because of my ass. I didn't mind listening then.

As I've gotten older, I have less tolerance for it. Actually I have little to no tolerance for it.

Now if someone is calling about a problem, of course I will be a good friend and listen and advise and console, etc. Those calls aren't the problem.

It's the calls that start out like this:

Me: Hello
Caller: Hey Sean
Me: Hey! What's up?
Caller: Nothing. Just chilling. What's up with you?

That's when I know I've walked into the Small Talk Zone. I despise small talk. I avoid calling my parents because I hate small talk. If I go to hell for all the small crimes against humanity I have committed, my hell would be me glued to a phone while someone drones on and on about their day.

There are some calls I enjoy:

• Calls about sports
• Calls about a TV that just finished airing (mainly 24 and Lost)
• Calls about the making of or confirmation of plans
• Calls catching up with someone who you haven't spoken to or seen in person in at least a month
• Calls making fun of or questioning the motives of other mutual acquaintances

Those calls are cool. I love those calls. Keep them coming.

But if you're at home and you're bored and you're wondering, "Hey, what's Sean up to?", let me settle it for you. I'm up to nothing. Don't interrupt.

Continue reading Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

How I Feel This Morning

Continue reading How I Feel This Morning

HBO Bryant Park Summer Film Festival: Casablanca

Did you ever see Gangs of New York?

After my experience with seeing Annie Hall in Bryant Park on June 18th, I swore that I would take a half day and get to the park early to get a great spot. I did one better: I took the whole day off. I knew if I tried to take off early, I'd end up leaving later than I wanted to.

So Monday afternoon, me and my frequent partner in crime, Andrea, went to Bryant Park at around 1:45 PM. Much to our surprise, they really don't let you onto the lawn until 5 PM. So we grabbed a table on the edge of the lawn which was lined up to the spot we wanted: dead center of the lawn.

We ate our lunch and waited with our reading materials. Slowly and surely, people started showing up with their big bags and blankets. As it got closer to 5, people were lining up around the edge of the lawn. Initially, we felt silly having gotten there so early but it really was for the best as we were right where we needed to be.

I know this sounds a little more serious than it actually is.

So at about 4:15 PM, a woman got on the microphone giving us the rules and telling us not to run because there was plenty of room. She kept annoyingly giving up five minute warnings. By 4:30, I stopped sitting down. 15 minutes until 5. We started unfolding blankets. 10 minutes until 5. Five minutes. I wrapped two blankets around me like a boa constrictor. Everyone was lining up, blankets in hands with bloodthirsty look. I'm serious. It seemed silly that all these people were lined up around the edge of lawn just to put down blankets. If a fight had broken out when the right side and the left side of the park had met in the middle, I wouldn't have been the least bit disappointed. Anyway, I digress...

At 4:59, a bunch of guys who were waiting there almost as long as Andrea and I jumped the gun and started running and battle was on...

Andrea ran ahead of me because I'm still limping from my sprained ankle from kickball (yes, seriously). This guy hooked onto my shoulder and made me lose a blanket. I promptly shoved him away from me sending him stumbling. Andrea laid down the first blanket. I threw the second down and then ran back for the one I dropped. We got to the exact spot we wanted and were able to spread out all our blankets. This was about 5:03 PM.

After that, we just laid down, read our magazines and waited for our friends until the movie started. They got there around 6-7. We ate snacks, drank wine and relaxed until the movie started. Every once and awhile, Andrea and I would look around at all the space we had amassed, our perfect distance from the screen and then we would look each other and nod because we were thinking the same thing: We rock!

(Casablanca was great but if you didn't know that already, there is nothing more I can do for you)

Photo from Flavorpill

Continue reading HBO Bryant Park Summer Film Festival: Casablanca

Just Because I'm Not Having a Party or Anything...

...doesn't mean you shouldn't be compelled to buy my a birthday present.

It would be like buying me a drink or taking me out to dinner.

Except I get to enjoy it forever (or until technology renders whatever you got me useless).

Continue reading Just Because I'm Not Having a Party or Anything...

Ridin' Dirty

So after all the bullshit with UPS to get this goddamned thing, I finally took the bike out for a spin.

After spending all Saturday afternoon doing laundry and night getting my booze on for Tony's birthday, I decided Sunday would be the day I would take the bike out for a spin (I haven't named it yet but I'm leaning towards Ironhide because of the red and silver color scheme).

First of all, it was a BITCH to get out of the apartment. I think I expended more energy getting Ironhide (I'm trying it on for size) in and out of the apartment than I did riding the bike¹. I can tell that this is going to a deterrent from future bike rides.

When I started on my journey, I realized that I didn't tighten the handlebars and seat enough but because it took so long to get out of the apartment, I was willing to risk it.

After a couple of annoying hills, I made my way to Central Park. I brought a couple of magazines and my new iPod speakers to lay out and chill. I found one spot but it was the "quiet area" which seemed way too pretentious so I got back on Ironhide and moved on. I eventually ended up riding around the entire park once looking for a spot. It really makes you appreciate just how awesome Central Park really is...and how out of shape you really are. I gave up and just went to the Great Lawn.

I read the new GQ with Jessica Biel on the cover², got hit in the head by a kid's football and then headed back home when I started to fear getting a sunburn (I'm dark enough).

My knees are killing me. My ass hurts³. But once I get the handle of getting the bike in and out of the apartment, this could become a regular thing.

¹: Not true
²: And on the eighth day, God came up with the idea for Jessica Biel and said "That should keep them happy for awhile" and all was good
³: Me thinks I need a new seat...or a new ass.

Continue reading Ridin' Dirty

HBO Bryant Park Summer Film Festival: Annie Hall

Photo by whatisee.org
I finally went.

Number two on my summer to-do list.

So I left work 15 minutes early because the website said that the lawn opens at 5 PM.

I got there at 5:05 and the place was completely packed. Mental note: When I go to see Casablanca, take a half day at work.

Luckily I happen onto a good spot towards the front and lay down my blanket. My friend was meeting me there with her own blanket so I had to sit on the wet grass to save her spot.

The movie didn't start until 9 PM.

I have to say, if you don't have patience for people talking during movies, this isn't for you. Because this was like a who's who of annoying moviegoers. There was a guy who kept standing up in front of the screen to take pictures of someone in the crowd (stalker?). There was an incident about 30 minutes into the movie where some frat boy realized that the guy laying up next to him was a homeless Hispanic dude and he caused a commotion until the homeless guy left (which is a shame because I saw that guy arrive at 5 just like me and he held his spot down for as long as I did. Who said you needed to have a home address or a shower to participate?

It was also cool seeing the original HBO feature presentation intro from the 80's:


All in all, it was a good time. My knees hurt. My butt is sore but I enjoyed it.

Next time, I'll know to come earlier, bring two blankets and some wine.

Continue reading HBO Bryant Park Summer Film Festival: Annie Hall

Yeah, I Was In The Shit

So I finally playing Paintball yesterday. I don't think I can expect a call from Jack Bauer anytime soon.

First game, we played, I was the first man taken out. I got better though.

For some reason, there was a Filipino paintball team there "practicing" for a tournament. They did not look like a paintball team. They looked like a tactical unit. I keep scanning the paper or the internet for a report of an incredibly organized assault team attacking the White House.

Anyway, because there were so many of them, it was essentially the Filipino assassins vs. everybody else. Guess who won? Actually, we held our own more times than not but they eventually won. Later we found out they were cheating because their guns were too powerful (the max velocity for the field was 280fps and some of their guns clocked at 375fps once the issue was raised).

I only have one bruise and it's from our last game. I raised my arm to say I was out and as I was walking off the field, some little fucker shot me under the arm.

I always fucked up my left knee by trying to leap over some rocks to get to cover. It looked a lot shorter than it was. My right leg cleared. My left leg, not so much. Then I made it worse in the last game. I was trying to run for cover and I stumbled on some sand. To prevent myself from falling on my face, I went into a great front roll and landed upright. I wish someone had it on tape.

I spent the rest of the night with an ice pack on my knees.

Continue reading Yeah, I Was In The Shit

What I Hope To Do This Summer

Remember in grade school in the fall when the teacher (who you would grow to hate because if she was making you do work on your first day back to school, the rest of the school year was going to be a bitch) would make you write that "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay?

I always labored to get three-paragraphs out of it because except for a couple of occasions, I didn't go on family trips or anything. I spent the entire summer hanging out with my friends, riding my bike and going to the pool. No road trips. No Disneyland/World (I still have never been)

(What was the point of all this again? Oh yeah)

This summer, I want to do some shit aside the usual (although I'll still be doing plenty of that):

Shakespeare in the Park I always want to go but never do because of the ridiculous process of getting tickets. This is the summer I go. I have off one week and I am getting up at 6 AM, grabbing my iPod, PSP, a book and a chair and waiting on line until I get tickets. They are doing Romeo and Juliet with Lauren Ambose (Six Feet Under) playing Juliet.

2007 HBO Bryant Park Summer Film Festival There really is no excuse that I haven't done this yet. It is a train stop and a couple of blocks away from work. I'm definately going to either Annie Hall on June 18th, Wait Until Dark on July 9th or Casablanca on August 13th

Bike Riding Yes, I did end up getting my bike. To sum up my Fuck UPS (Parts I & II), I ended up having to go to UPS, pick it up myself and carry the 35 pound box back home from the Bronx. Anyway, I put it together and am ready to ride except for the facts that 1) I'm terrified of cars and 2) I'm terrified of riding something I had to put together myself. I'll get over it.

Kickball I'm a part of a ZogSports Kickball team consisting of friends, friends and friends, co-workers and ex-coworkers. I was in a Touch Football league during the spring (we finished 4-3 and lost in the playoffs). Our first game is tonight. I can't wait.

Continue reading What I Hope To Do This Summer

Alone Again Or

Yeah, I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
You know that I could be in love with almost everyone
I think that people are
The greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight my dear
- "Alone Again Or" by Love

So I think I have crossed a line where I have been single so long, I can't imagine being with anyone.

So this month will make it three years that I have been unencumbered with the wants and needs of another human being that isn't of my blood single*.

This is generally what happens to me. I go through long spells between relationships (Before my last relationship, it had been four years). But this time feels different because I no longer feel open to the idea of having a girlfriend.

I know this is kinda pathetic but I've gotten used to being selfishly concerned with my own wants.

I've gotten used to having time to doing the things I want to do and not having to do stuff I have no interest in doing. I've probably only seen a handful of bad chick flicks in the theater and most of those were by choice.

I like always being available to go out or to stay in. I love never having to ask "Well, what do you want to do/want to eat"

I don't know if I can see myself dating some which what cut into all this "me" time I'm used to.

Is it a lonely life I lead? Maybe. I have friends. I have stuff to do. I never find myself thinking, "I'm lonely". More likely, I'm thinking "I'm bored".

And I do bore myself a lot but at least it is a victimless crime.

I'm not a blind idiot. I know all it will take is one pair of pretty eyes, one kiss or one acquaintance to go left instead of right to make me renounce this post as the work of a ghostwriter.

That's why this will be the first post I delete when that happens.

* Just kidding, future love of my life.

Continue reading Alone Again Or

Fuck UPS [update]

Continuing last night's tale...

UPS was supposed to call me at 10 AM to discuss last night's non-delivery.

They called me at 10:55 AM. Whatever.

The woman says that it shows here blah blah blah...it doesn't matter what the fuck she said because the fact is he didn't come.

Then she was like is someone there to receive the package now? No, I'm at work. Just like you.

I think this is the thing that annoys me most about most about my conversations with them: their immediate assumption that you are home.

Anyway, I ask if they could deliver it after 5 PM tomorrow. She says she will inform the driver and call me back. That call still hasn't come.

I get back to the office (I was in at the doctor's office during this call) and check UPS.com for some sort of update. Guess what?

05/23/2007 11:07 A.M. RECEIVER WAS UNAVAILABLE TO SIGN ON 3RD DELIVERY ATTEMPT

I'm just so tired right now.

Any unseen all-powerful, all-knowing deity, please give me strength...

Continue reading Fuck UPS [update]

Fuck UPS

So for my five year anniversary at work, I got to select a gift and I picked this bicycle.

It was shipped and was supposed to be delivered by UPS on Friday.

That's when the adventure begins...

I decide to work from home because when I wake up, I see this message on UPS.com:

05/18/2007 4:54 A.M. OUT FOR DELIVERY

So I sit at home, working on my shitty desktop, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I sit at home all day until this message comes up on the website:

05/18/2007 7:08 P.M. THE PACKAGE IS DELAYED DUE TO EMERGENCY CONDITIONS BEYOND UPS' CONTROL

What the fuck does that even mean? It was a beautiful 70+ degree day. What "emergency conditions" were there?

So I don't get any updates on the weekend and Monday morning. I check UPS.com periodically but no updates. So I get home and there's a UPS slip on my door. I get upstairs and check the website and see this:

05/21/2007 3:35 P.M. THE RECEIVER WAS NOT AVAILABLE TO SIGN ON THE 2ND DELIVERY ATTEMPT. A 3RD DELIVERY ATTEMPT WILL BE MADE

2nd delivery attempt? What the hell are they trying to pull? You only get three attempts before you have to go pick up the package yourself.

So I call UPS and arrange to have it delivered Tuesday after 5 PM. Everything is straight.

UPS calls me right back and says the driver is still in the area and wants to know if I'd MEET HIM to pick up my package.

1) It's a 35 pound package.
2) He's the one with the fucking van.

I obviously say no and will be fine with delivery on Tuesday.

So today, I leave work early so that I will be home by 5 PM. And I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I call UPS at 6:30 PM and they tell me my package should be there by 7:30 PM.

7:30 PM comes and goes.

I call back. UPS tells me packages have been delivered 11 PM (can anyone confirm this?)

I keep waiting and checking UPS.com periodically.

I get distracted by the final episode of Veronica Mars (sniff) and at about 9:40 PM, I refresh UPS.com and see this:

05/22/2007 9:24 P.M. THE RECEIVER WAS UNAVAILABLE TO SIGN ON THE 1ST DELIVERY ATTEMPT. A 2ND DELIVERY ATTEMPT WILL BE MADE

I flip out. I run down the stairs while calling UPS to check if there was a slip on my front door. There wasn't. UPS tells me that the driver tried to deliver it and I wasn't there. I tell her that's not likely because I have been here waiting for almost five hours. I ask her to explain to me why the driver flat out lied. She stutters and puts me on hold. She tells me UPS will call me tomorrow morning.

I am so angry right now that I can't think of a better word to describe it than "seething."

Fuck UPS.

Continue reading Fuck UPS

What does it say about me...

...that I am looking forward to the upcoming season finales, not only for story resolutions and cliffhangers, but because it will give me a break from all the television I have committed myself to watching?

I'll finally be able to read some books, play all those video games that have been piling up, go out without thinking of the television I'm going to catch up with later in the week.

Nevermind. Don't answer that question.

Continue reading What does it say about me...

Wii (pronounced "Why")

So it was about 4:40 PM on a Friday and I'm getting ready to go home from work when I get a phone call...

It's my friend and co-worker Kevin. He's like, "They have Wiis at the Best Buy on Lexington and 86th Street. Do you want me to pick you up one?"

Now I had only a passing interest in the Nintendo Wii. It looks like it's a ton of fun with a bunch of people but I never have company and I'm actually okay with that.

Then I thought that if I don't buy one and Kevin does and I go over his house and play his, I will be instantly jealous and it will ruin our friendship (much like the guy who gets with the hot girl you had dibs on).

So I raced over to Best Buy and yada yada yada...

Does anyone want to come over and play with me?

Continue reading Wii (pronounced "Why")

Ugh! Today Is My Least Favorite Annual Work Day*

Yup, it's Bring Your Sons and Daughters To Work Day again

I can't stand kids running around the office all damn day.

They always organize and roam like a pack of wolves looking for meat.

Especially the little girls. when 3 or more get together, their conversations turn into a collective screech.**

I wish I had an office and could close my door all day.

Does this make me a bad person?

* I subscribe to the Peter Gibbons train of thought that 'Everyday is the worst day of my life' but this day stands out in particular.

** Sadly this is a trait that girls do not grow out of until they are elderly. Think that's mean or sexist? What's that noise girls make when they haven't seen each other for longer than two weeks and they run into each other on the street or at a party?

Continue reading Ugh! Today Is My Least Favorite Annual Work Day*

The Phunky 20

My boy Derreck came up with this questionnaire and I've decided to humor him and play along...

01. Have you ever seen the movie Breakin' in its entirety? This happens to be my favorite movie of all-time. What did you think of it? If you have not seen it, do you have any plans to do so any time before you croak?

I have seen it and I love it.

02. What words or phrases do you tend to use to death?

"Fuck"

03. What are your three favorite Michael Jackson songs? If you don't have any favorite Michael Jackson songs, we will need to have a talk immediately.

"PYT (Pretty Young Thing)," "Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough" & "Smooth Criminal"

04. When was the last time I made you laugh? What did I say / do?

I'm sure it was that night at Bill's house but I know I'll never remember it again.

05. Do you have any quirky eating habits that other people think are weird?

I generally eat my sandwiches dry (no mayo, no mustard).

06. Do you believe in the afterlife? Why or why not?

I hope not because that would mean that on some level I've had multiple tries at life and this is the best I could do?

07. Fill in the blank: ____________ makes the best french fries in the galaxy.

Social

08. Is being a good kisser more important that being good in bed?

Being a good kisser is more important as you will be kissing more than f*cking.

09. A snail crawls up to the front door of a residence. He knocks on the door. A big, hefty guy opens the door and looks around and sees no one. He then looks down and sees the snail. Annoyed that he has been interrupted, he reaches down, grabs the snail and throws it across his front yard with an exuberant "Get da hell outta hea!" A year goes by, and the snail climbs back up to the same front door and knocks once again. The owner of the residence once again swings the door open, looks around and then down and sees the snail. And the snail goes "What the fuck was that all about?" That happens to be my favorite joke of all time. Did you think it was funny?

Yes

10. Do you have a really good story from your college years?

My best friend from high school who will remain nameless came to visit me in my dorm drunk as hell with her boyfriend at the time and another friend. They were acting a fool and then when they tried to leave, I would let them drive home. I forget how they did it but they managed to split up and get away from me then drove off as I chased them down the street. Don't worry. They lived.

11. Who was your favorite character from Sesame Street?

Oscar the Grouch. Surprised?

12. Do you feel that the Internet has rendered encyclopedias absolutely useless?

Pretty much.

13. What are your three favorite Notorious B.I.G. songs? Same rule applies to question #3.

"Everyday Struggle," "My Downfall" & "Who Shot Ya?"

14. Do you think you could beat me in an arm wrestling match?

Yes

15. Why do people shit on The Olive Garden?

The food generally sucks but the bread sticks are made in Heaven.

16. What's the best piece of advice someone has ever given you?

"Beer before liquor, never sicker"

17. Fill in the blank: _______________ might not be sexy to you, but it is to me.

Comic books

18. What's your favorite game on The Price Is Right?

Contestants' Row because there is always that guy who bids one dollar more than the guy next to him and the guy who came up with the first bid wants to punch that second guy in the eye.


19. If you ever got really famous, would you hire me as your manager?

Depends what I got famous for

20. If you could have sex to any song and it NOT be a slow jam, which would it be and why? Hell, maybe you have already done so. I dunno.

Portishead's "Glory Box"

Continue reading The Phunky 20

Happy 6th Birthday, Melanism.com!

That's right, March 29th, 2001, I got this whole show on the road

Before there was Blogger and Wordpress, I was doing this with old fashion HTML coding (which is why I still have those old posts saved).

I was talking to Bill about this on AIM and we was like isn't it depressing to go back and read the old crap.

Initially I thought it would be but after combing through them, it wasn't at all.

I'm not an ambitious man (Ladies, the line forms around the corner) so there weren't posts about dreams I had that six years later are still unfulfilled.

Nope, I just posted about random bullshit, movies, TV shows, sports, and the occasional video game.

The only concrete goals I set for myself was to get an apartment and to get over a couple of women.

So in that respect...

I think the only sad thing is how many people USED TO read my blog and now I'm down to about 4-5 people.

What a life I lead.

Continue reading Happy 6th Birthday, Melanism.com!

The Fourth Lowest Form Of Life

Right after murderers, rapists and child molesters* I place people who talk during movies in their outside voice.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I went to a free screening of The Lookout and I sat second to last row. This group of friends enter split up into to two row so they can sit together. Their conversation before the movie started had me Lord Concernicus of the province of Concernia but I prayed that once the movie started they would calm down and watch.

No.

Didn't happen.

Throughout the entire movie they were commenting, making loud gasps, flat out having conversation during the movie.

Now, if this were a comedy or a horror movie, I would have found this slightly tolerable but it wasn't. It was a noir/crime film and these people were interacting with the screen like little kids interact with a Dora the Explorer episode.

I am usually a patient person. I can count the times I shushed someone in a movie on one hand. Usually, the look back is enough.

I "Shh"-ed these people 3-4 times which would make them whisper for like 3 minutes until they started up again.

I was seething. Mostly because this was a good movie and I couldn't enjoy it. I wanted to just scream "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!" but that never works. It always turns into a argument which never results in the person taking your advice.

I just wanted to make it to the end of the movie.

What part of the collective gene pool did these kind of people come from? How were the socialized that they think that everyone wants to hear them carry on a conversation with the person on the screen?

They should be all taken out to the back of the theater and beaten with a rock so they can't pass these traits down to the next generation.

* Obviously, I'm exaggerating on their standings in the list of depraved acts but it's definitely in the top 10.

Continue reading The Fourth Lowest Form Of Life

Californication

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in."
- Robert Orben

I needed a little vacation from work and cold New York so I went to Los Angeles.

I stayed with Tabitha and Sherman who drove me around, made me tons of vegan cupcakes and made me jealous of their various Macs;

We went hiking. Once. It was fucking hot.

Before I left, I e-mailed my friend Angie, who works on Scrubs, to see if we could get lunch or something. Unfortunately, she was too busy to even leave so she invited me to come to the set...

They were shooting offsite so the entire place was empty except for the writers, assistants and random folks. The entire hospital serves as the set for the show so we saw Carla and Turk's apartment, Coffee Bucks, the bar, Elliot's apartment.

Even got to see Angie for a little longer than she promised...

Tabitha and I also went to the place where they were shooting at but they JUST broke for lunch when we got there. So I only saw them shoot one scene and then we snagged some free catered lunch. Before I left, I wanted a photo with Braff who was the only regular cast member shooting at the time. When I asked him, he was sitting down. Then he stood up...

Then I saw 300 at IMAX with my friend Erika before I left.

It was warm the whole time and snowed in New York while I was gone.

All and all, a good trip.

This was the first time I actually would consider moving to Los Angeles.

It helps that I went during winter.

Thanks Tabitha, Sherman, Ang and Erika for showing me a good time.

Continue reading Californication

No Look-A-Like Me

Usher? Really? I don't see it

Continue reading No Look-A-Like Me

My New Tattoo

It's I Ching Hexagram 63 which translates to "With guidance comes control".



Of course, it comes from somewhere else. Somewhere a little more "geeky". Care to guess?

Sorry, Kristy and Erwin can't play.

Continue reading My New Tattoo

Confessions, Part III

So did I ever you about the time I was paid to dress up as Blade?

I posted some of these pictures on my MySpace page promising never to tell this tale. But I'm bored and have nothing else to talk about.

The Roommate used to work at Spike TV and, as you may or may not remember, they had a TV version of Blade starring Kirk "Sticky Fingerz" Jones.

Yeah, it didn't last long.

Anyway, so last May, The Roommate sends me an instant message

[16:07] The Roommate: do you want to make $600 dollars for a weekend at Wizard World in Philly?
[16:07] The Roommate: you just have to have a place to stay and get yourself down there
[16:08] Melanism: I'm intrigued
[16:08] Melanism: do tell
[16:09] The Roommate: J--n just called me...they want someone to dress up like Blade...they ahve the sword, they have the glasses, they have the backpack
[16:09] The Roommate: they just want someone to act like their a comic book fan
[16:10] The Roommate: and dress up like Blade
[16:10] Melanism: HAHAHAHAHA
[16:10] The Roommate: $600
[16:10] The Roommate: you have to just be the part
[16:10] The Roommate: $600
[16:10] The Roommate: haha
[16:10] The Roommate: i was like "sean!?"
[16:10] Melanism: I'm a little short to be Blade, don't ya think
[16:10] The Roommate: nope
[16:11] The Roommate: sticky is short too
[16:11] Melanism: lol
[16:11] Melanism: which weekend
[16:11] The Roommate: you just have to walk around the convention
[16:11] The Roommate: June 2-3

Long story short, I said yes. I wore this big heavy pleather coat with a replica of Blade's sword in the back (which kept stabbing me). I also had three metal spikes that strapped on to my leg (and kept falling out and stabbing my foot) and this other blade that I kept in my pocket (and guess what it stabbed in there?)

Anyway, it was a lot of fun. I was drained by the end of the second day because I was walking around will all that heavy shit on from 10 AM to 4 PM. Plus, I spent a lot of the money I made on comic books, transportation and Philly cheese steaks.

Anyway, here are all the pictures:

That's Geoff Johns, comic book writer and executive producer of the show. I was told to ask enthusiastic questions that a comic book geek and a Blade fan would ask. That was easy enough. I was told later he didn't know that they sent me and he was impressed.

Sadly enough, a lot of people thought I was the real thing.

Continue reading Confessions, Part III

Office Space

"The people you work with, are people you were just thrown together with. You don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family, but probably all you've got in common, is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day."
-Tim Canterbury, The Office

So I'm getting dumped again this week.

I've worked about my current place of employment for almost five years.

I've seen people come and go.

The one lesson I've learned over the years is to either not get too attached or get so attached to the point that their departure just means that I will have to make the extra effort to keep in touch with them.

But it's still sucks when people quit.

Not that my job sucks or anything (I've come to believe that anything I do would "suck" because frankly I hate getting out of bed and changing out of our of my pajamas) but working at job you don't love or are dedicated too is like being in a bad relationship with some redeeming qualities like, "The sex isn't great but she likes Lost too" or "I can't stand the sound of her voice but she makes great turkey meatloaf*".

You and everyone you are working with are in the same relationship, dating the same girl and dating each other by default. You go out to bars afterwards or out to lunch together to complain about her but the next day, you're still in the relationship.

But sometimes, yous work boyfriends and girlfriends are seeing other jobs on the side. If you catch them in the act, they say, "Oh, it's not serious." or "We're just friends." But you can see the writing on the wall. They are cheating on you.

The you get the phone call or the e-mail that says "I'm leaving you. It's not you, it's me."** In the back of your mind , or maybe the front, you are hurt because they left before you did. They broke up with the job before you did. You just never got around to it. You were unhappy in this relationship too but having your friend suffering the same fate made it easier to take. Or maybe you are just so comfortable in this relationship and you're too lazy to change.

So you're stuck here with this shitty relationship while your friends go off to their new shitty relationship. If you like the person enough, you promise to have a long-distance relationship. You say you'll call and write and still go out whenever both of you have time but it's never the same.

But if you're lucky, their new girl has a equally attractive twin sister to hook you up with.

I've been offered to be hooked up with many twin sisters and I've half-hearted ventured our into the singles market but I'm still here.

I guess I'm lazy...or none of the other jobs have been that hot.

I have no idea what this post is about by the way.

[Note: By the time I actually got around to finishing this, I got "dumped" again]

* What does this say about what it takes to keep me in a relationship
** Although sometimes the job dumps your friend with a note saying, "It wasn't working out." and you wish it dumped you too.

Continue reading Office Space

Be My Netflix Friend

Click this link so I can make fun of your movie preferences, and you mine.

Continue reading Be My Netflix Friend

Be Careful What You Ask For

So this Christmas continued an 11 year tradition between my mother and I.

As a child, my mother was notorious for NOT getting me things I asked for. She bought whatever she thought I needed. But say I needed a coat and I wanted a particular brand of coat, it wasn't going to happen. The job of getting me what I asked for always fell to my father.

See, my mother and her cousin (they are about 5 years apart so they are practically sisters) pretty much do all their Christmas shopping at Marshalls. So whatever I got, my brother and that cousin's son (who is close in age and size to both of us) got either the same thing or something so similar that we could trade come Christmas day. For example, say I got a shirt and displayed some displeasure with it, surer than shit, it was going to my cousin that evening when he came over for Christmas dinner.

Anyway, after I went to New York University, as a JOKE, I made an old school Christmas list with pictures and store locations and sent it to my parents via the post office. On that list was a Tommy Hilfiger denim shirt similar to one my brother had. This was when Tommy Hilfiger and Polo was a big deal. Seemed like a harmless request at the time.

So Christmas came and I ACTUALLY got the shirt plus a Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt that was nice too. I was thrilled.

Until next Christmas, when I got a Tommy Hilfiger winter coat and some Tommy Hilfiger socks.

And then the next Christmas when I received some particularly hideous Tommy Hilfiger sneakers.

So yes, every year, despite protests from my brother, my mother manages to get we something Tommy Hilfiger.

Now I'm not talking subtle Tommy Hilfiger where someone might say, "Oh, nice shirt. Who makes that?" No, I'm getting something with a big fat Tommy Hilfiger logo.

So this past Christmas, eleven years after that Christmas list, I open my plastic Marshall grab bag (my mother stopped wrapping our presents years ago and now just hands it to us in the store bag), I got some socks, some workout clothes and some Tommy Hilfiger boxers.

It never fails. It could be worse, I guess.

Continue reading Be Careful What You Ask For

Weak-end Part II

So...I got myself kicked out of a bar. What did you do this weekend?

See, what had happened was...

Saturday night, a bunch of friends had decided to descend upon Prohibition to see The Gilfords. Now, as you may recall, I tried to see them last week with less-than-stellar results.

Before we made our way to Prohibition, we met at a friend's and drank a bit. Nothing wrong with that. Actually, this, in my opinion, is an irrelevant detail but it would be irresponsible of me to not divulge that I drank enough beers to get me a tryout to be an extra in the sequel of Beerfest (if there ever is one). But again, I think this had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the evening. Others may disagree.

Anyhow, we got there and went to check our coats. While waiting, I rested my back against the wall. Because it was narrow, I tried to see if I could reach the other wall with my foot (In retrospect, I do this all the time. I should stop). Well, it turns out that I could...and it made a big foot-sized hole in the wall. I said, "Oh shit," checked my coat then went upstairs to enjoy the show.

About three songs in, the bouncer comes up to me and says can we talk to you outside. I immediately knew I was busted. I go outside and first, the guy is like "did you punch a hole in the wall?", to which I replied "No" and showed him my knuckles as proof. Then the manager comes out and says two people saw me intentionally kick a hole in the wall. Now, I'm not disputing that I put the hole in the wall but I was disputing his assertion that it was intentional. I told him my side of the story, we argued for a little bit to which I just said "You aren't going to believe anything I say so why don't you give me my coat then I'll go."

And that's how I got kicked out of Prohibition.

I wonder if I'm banned.

Continue reading Weak-end Part II

Weak-end

Now I'm not one of those people who can "hold their liquor" so to speak.

Despite my unparalleled and oft-challenged¹ ability to drink most alcohol at the same speed and ease at which a child drinks cherry Kool-Aid, I always seem to end up either here or here or here.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I don't learn.

Saturday night², I went to a Russian restaurant in Brighton Beach for a friend's birthday. One of the caveats of this restaurant is that the provide a bottle of Vodka per table. So the drinking options were diet coke, water and vodka. So we were drinking Vodka straight but eventually I had to chase it with the diet coke because there was no way I was going to make it back to the city (an hour and fifteen minute subway ride).

Also, I had planned to head to Prohibition on 80th and Columbus Ave. to see my favorite 80's cover band, The Gilfords, after dinner.

So at 1 AM (or something like that), I dragged myself out of the restaurant. I should have known there was a problem when they stopped me to tell me that I had only handed them $1 for all the food.

I got on the train with good intentions. But it took me two failed attempts to transfer trains for me to surrender going anywhere afterwards.

I don't know when or where I transferred. All I know is I woke up at 125th Street and hopped off before it was too late.

I won't say when I got home. Just be happy that I did.

Oh yeah, before I left the house, I was doing my laundry. I rushed out fo the house so I didn't have a chance to put on clean sheets so I had to sleep on my bare mattress.

I woke up Sunday morning incredibly nauseous. The combination of vodka and Russian food were recreating the Battle of Stalingrad in my stomach. I thought I was going to break my favorite Don'ts for 2007 but I survived.

Then I went off to Jeremy's Ale House for 32 oz Styrofoam cups of beer, 20 cent wings and New York football.

Overall, I had four quarts of beer. Two during the Jets loss and two during the Giants loss. Between beers three and four, I managed to spill 32 ounces of Yuengling on my brand new Motorola RAZR³. After a couple of hours of appearing to be down for the count, it started working again. Unfortunately, my phone now reeks of Yuengling.

All and all, a pretty quiet weekend.

¹ One person beat me in a race but she had a warm beer and I had a fresh cold one so I challenge the judge's decision.
² I should mention that I had two beers before I left for Queens but I figured that by the time I got there, I would be fine. I'm sure it didn't help the situation.
³ One of the Don'ts I forgot to add was "Don't break your cellphone this year" as this RAZR is now my third phone in three years. Luckily, my subconscious knew this was an impossible task.

Continue reading Weak-end

2007: My Do's and Dont's

Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty.
- John Selden

While these aren't resolutions per se, I think I'm up to the task of challenging, disappointing and embarrassing myself in front of you, my 1-5 readers.

DO write more in this blog about myself.

DON'T spend so much time on your couch.

However...

DON'T let anyone make you feel bad about spending so much time on your couch.

DO answer the phone every once and awhile and have a conversation that doesn't involve TV or the confirmation of plans.

DO start putting money into your savings account again.

DON'T spend so much money on food and booze.

DON'T order fried chicken wings and fried rice from the Chinese food spot just because it's only $5 bucks.

DO try to go to the gym 3-4 times a week even though you hate waking up at 4:45 AM to do so.

DO read more books.

DO learn something new.

DO travel somewhere for vacation, preferably somewhere warm.

DO retire all crushes...or do something about them.

DO pay off your credit cards.

DON'T buy so many funny t-shirts. You are almost thirty for Christ's sake.

DO buy more nice clothes and retire some of your older ones.

DON'T make an ass of yourself as much this year.

DO try to spend less time on the internet at work (although this is a bad start)

DO try to find someone who satisfies all aspects of your personality (or at least 60-75% of it).

DON'T judge people to harshly by their likes and dislikes (although not seeing say anything... by now is still considered a personal crime against humanity)

DO make 2007 an alcohol-related puke-free year.

DON'T make so much out of turning 30 this year.

Wish me luck!

Continue reading 2007: My Do's and Dont's

The Soundtrack To My Life Ver. 1.2

This started as a bulletin on MySpace where you were supposed to populate this list based on the whims of your iPod/iTunes and this would be the "Soundtrack To My Life". Well, inspired by perinnial cheater Bill, I've decided to make a real one based on a week's worth of iPod listening and my stupid MySpace blog.

Opening Credits:
Sean - Aya

"But its all just part of the game
Where you see your self go, in and out of love
You're always the same
Can you free yourself and live enough for us?"

Waking Up:
Gotta Get Up (Another Day) (Featuring 4Hero) - Jill Scott

"I don't want to go to work today
I'd rather stay home and play video games
I'd rather chill for real
I don't know how you feel"

First Day At School:
New Deep - John Mayer

"I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and
You wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say
'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time
You're wrong"

Falling In Love:
Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong - Radiohead

"A beautiful girl
A beautiful girl
Can turn your world into dust"

Fight Song:
Love and War (11/11/46) - Rilo Kiley

"Why must you try to ruin my peace of mind
And they were only words and I never meant them
I never loved you even in my weakness you were fuel for the fire cannon fodder"

Breaking Up:
"Last Goodbye" - Jeff Buckley

"Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye"

Prom:
"One Evening" - Feist

"The evening was long, my guesses were true
You saw me see you
That something you said, the timing was right
The pleasure was mine"

Life:
The Child Is Gone - Fiona Apple

"'Cause I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone"

Mental Breakdown:
Sometimes - Bilal

"Sometimes, you got me wishing I didn't have home training
Sometimes, then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
With dreams of knocking you in your head
Then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
With our kitchen knife put up your ass"

Driving:
Electioneering - Radiohead

Flashback:
Waves - Lewis Taylor

"I know what I want but I just wouldn't dare
I'd let her into my heart but she's already there
'Cause she comes in waves and I just reach a point
I fall over and over (and over and over) again"

Getting Back Together:
Above You, Below Me - by Badly Drawn Boy

"I will take you as you are
Please accept me as I am
There'll be something in the wind
To show us we're right
And tell us we're wrong"

Wedding:
Kiss of Life - Sade

"There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It's the color of love"

Birth of Child:
India - Eric Benet

"I got the biggest part of heaven in my life
And I can feel it every time I see your eyes"

Final Battle:
Won on Won - The Cocoa Brovaz

"DING! That's the sound of the bell
"Oh shit!" is all you heard before you fell
to the canvas, all washed up like my dirty drawers
and pants get, try to challenge get damaged"

Death Scene:
Colorblind - Counting Crows

"I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine"

Funeral Song:
Numb - Sia

"I saw you cry today
The pain may fill you
I saw you shy away
The pain will not kill you
...It has to end to begin"

End Credits:
Last Dance - Sarah McLachlan

The sad thing is I will spend the rest fo my life wanting to change this list

Continue reading The Soundtrack To My Life Ver. 1.2

The Rules of Attraction

Lest my blog only be about movie reviews and movie trailers...

I thought I would elaborate on something I mentioned during my review of Clerks II about my Rules For Attraction For Famous People.

There really isn't a list of rules, it's really just two:

1. You have to be good at your chosen profession.
2. The better you are at what you do, the more attractive you are.

Personally, I don't know why everyone doesn't live by these rules. What if you meet these people and through some stroke of luck, they find you more interesting than Colin Farrell and you engage in a whirlwind romance, that leads to marriage (that she pays for).

Then you have to go to all her premieres/big concerts and bite your tongue that she really sucks and you'd rather be watching the same movie with someone else in her role or that's a great song, I wish someone else sang it.

That's just not the life for me.

So who are some examples of famous women I am attracted to?

Well, the queen of these rules is Cate Blanchett.

I mean, she's beautiful and all but after I saw her in Elizabeth, I became obsessed with her (SO much so that I am STILL salty she lost Best Actress for that role to Gwenyth Paltrow.)

I don't believe in seeing movies because certain people are in them but she's the closest to an actress that I would see just on the strength of their presence.

She's just so good.

Hm. Who else? Off the top of my head:

• Aisha Tyler, writer/comedian/actress (although her acting is costing her points)
• Jenny Lewis, lead singer of Rilo Kiley
• Jill Scott, singer (although one more happy go lucky album and she's cut off)
• Julie Delpy, actress (I wish she would make more movies)
• Rachel Weisz, actress (damn you, Darren Aronofsky)
  
• Nia Long, actress (the exact opposite. She makes just enough movies to make me keep crushing on her)
• Kate Winslet, actress
• Aimee Mann, singer/songwriter
• Janeane Garofalo, actress/comedian/radio host (mentally, she has never recovered from the 2004 election and now when I see her it's kind of a pity crush)
• Lucy Davis, actress (played Dawn in the The Office on BBC, by the end of the second season, I was in love with her)
• Kerry Washington, actress (needs a better agent if she's in Fantastic Four)
• Sarah Shahi, actress, The L Word (OK, there can't be rules if there are not exceptions)

I'm sure there are more but if I was in a room with all these women and Cate Blanchett, it wouldn't even be a competition.

Continue reading The Rules of Attraction

Chuck Klosterman's "23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them"

I have asked these before (by posting them on Okayplayer) but have never really answered these 23 questions from Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto*. I am going to make a concentrated effort to answer them all to the best of my abilities. Feel free to leave your own answers (or personal judgements of me) in the comments section.

Shall we begin?

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

Albert Einstein is more impressive only because a magician has managed to move items through time and space and the best application he can find for it is to make a coin disappear. What a dick.

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

No, because a political prisoner should be freed because it is proven that they were wrongly jailed, not because I kicked the shit out of some horse.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

The skull. 1) Keeping a turtle alive is no easy feat and 2) since the display must be apolitical, who has to know it's Hitler's skull?

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Um, no. I'd let him sign with the New York Giants.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

No. There's more than one soulmate out there and I love music too much.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

I don't remember any of my dreams anyway and I'm doing just fine so no.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

The president on the top half of the page with the Loch Ness Monster right under because of its possible evolutionary connection to dinosaurs.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

Um, if all she is obessed with is Dark Crystal, she's got nothing on me. :)

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commerical success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likliehood of you reading this book?

Increase. Hey, if I'm gay, I better find out sooner than later

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

The opening line of Bright Lights, Big City.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I'd exit the theater and make a phone call.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

Whatever I have in my wallet. I'm not stressing it. I'm doing fine as is. :)

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

Opening line: "Well, this hardly qualifies as a banquet, now does it?"

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

Insulting. Not as insulting as a dog would find Marmaduke but close.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Writing letters to J.J. Abrams, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindof begging them to tell how Lost ends before I die because I'm not getting that stupid surgery.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.

The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

It depends what else is on. If it is my inevitable fate, what's the rush?

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”

Which of these two people do you trust less?

The man with no past because he's either a liar, incredibly secretive or a vistor from the future.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?

Ten minutes on the moon. $2,000 dollars a month in Europe at the current exchange rate ain't shit.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.

Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

Opps, I forgot you were there.

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The big budget biopic. I lived my life now I want to see it starring Taye Diggs as me.

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Later by 4 years.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

Obviously, the second one.

23. Consider this possibility:

a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.

b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.

c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.

d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.

e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.

How would you feel about this?

Well, for starters, I'd have to presume I was adopted.

I guess the question now is can you really love me?

*Thanks to Erika for introducing this book to me.

Continue reading Chuck Klosterman's "23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them"

Year 28 Revisited

It's 2:22 AM in the morning and I can't sleep (whether it be the heat or the sheer boredom of it being my birthday) so I sit here with a glass of Pinot Grigio (what an alcoholic I've become) and decided to look back on Year 28, which should bore me (and you) enough to go to bed proper:

• I came up with a good metaphor for commitment issues
• Spent a full year at the apartment (with rent increase and all)
• Made no career progress whatsoever (Actually, I don't have a career. I have a job.).
  
• I bought my first suit and wore it to two weddings (don't worry, they were like 6 months and 3,000 miles apart)
  
• Decided I was never drinking again (which lasted for eight days)
• Got a new iPod...three days before the video iPods came out
  
• Added the following movies to the all-time favorites list: Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardener, Wedding Crashers (despite the chick flick ending), Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Thank You For Smoking (The Break-Up could make it on the list but I need one more viewing.)
  
• Fell asleep more in front of "friends" with cameras
• Went to my 10 year high school reunion (I still wish I had gotten Aline's e-mail. I forgot how cool she was in high school until I saw her again)
• Thank you Kaiva for putting me on to Battlestar Galatica. I can't believe there was a time I didn't watch this show.
• I fell out of love with hip-hop and fell in love with indie rock and pop (Marry me, Jenny Lewis...or at least leave me voicemails every once and awhile)
  
• Still now championships for the Yankees, Giants or Knicks (Could someone assassinate Isiah Thomas and James Dolan? Please?)
  
• Jack Bauer killed more people
• We still have no clue where the fuck Jack, Kate, Sawyer or Locke are or what it all means.
• Disappointed by X-Men: The Last Stand and Superman Returns (Don't let me down, Spider-Man 3)
  
• Got the "No P For Me" watch (and...I was right)
• Saw Jay-Z and Lewis Taylor in concert.
• Still single (much like all of 27 and 26). Not even a glimmer of hope in the horizon and I don't necessarily know how much I care about that.

Let's see how 29 plays out.

Shit, I'm still not sleepy. Maybe more wine would help.

Continue reading Year 28 Revisited

Seven Days Until 29 Years

That's right, my birthday is in seven days.

What's that, you say? You want to get me a present?

Well the Amazon.com Wish List is still in effect.

Now, if I didn't get you a present for your birthday that has already passed, you should not feel obligated to get me anything.

However...

...if I DID get you a present for your birthday that has already passed, you should totally feel obligated to buy me something.

Furthermore, if your birthday has not passed and you would like to receive a present from someone who does not share your blood or your bed, what better way to send that message than to buy me a present first.

The choice is yours!

Continue reading Seven Days Until 29 Years

Vehicular Homicide

"It's that same vibe you get with any auto mechanic you've ever dealt with. Even though you're listening and nodding, in you're head you're like, this guy is fucking me big time. You just believe whatever they say. They're like, 'Yeah, we had to replace the roof on your car, it was peeling back. It resented the rest of your car, so we replaced that. Also, there was a tiny Unicorn in you're exhaust, and it was jumping and poking holes in your exhaust. And he was shitting in your filters as well. So we had to get that out of there.' Wow, thank you very much. I did not know that there was a tiny mythological animal jumping around in there, that's very dangerous. Shitting in filters, no way! Especially with a road trip coming up, that's very dangerous. Shitting in filters; that little son of a B. Wow. Wow! How much is that gonna ... seven thousand. I was going to suggest, I'd like to pay seven thousandish. I'd love to pay for that. Thank you for not fucking me big time."
-- Dane Cook

I was going to get into a long story about how I ended up paying $600 to fix a car I drive mainly to park from one side of the street to the other so I could pass inspection so I didn't get a $50 ticket...and how having a car is like having a child who grows up to be Gator from Jungle Fever always looking for some more money...and how this has basically killed my summer before it began but I just don't have the energy anymore.

If you want to get me something for my birthday, buy my car from me.

Continue reading Vehicular Homicide

Irony

So I'm wearing this t-shirt today.

I jaywalked across the street and it occured to me, "Imagine I got hit by a car...I would look like a total idiot."

The New York Post would have a field day.

Headline: "Guess Not"

Continue reading Irony

Tag, You're It

I was tagged by Virginia

If I've tagged you...post up 6 things about yourself and tag 6 others...

Um...

1) I go to the comic shop EVERY Wednesday to pick up new books. I probably will for a looooong time. Sorry, ladies

2) The last CD I bought was Jill Scott's Beautifully Human. I refuse to comment on how all those other songs got on my iPod.

3) My favorite movie of all-time is Say Anything...

4) The only person I consider a "hero" to me is Kevin Smith. I don't really think of him as a hero but any time the questions comes up, he's the only person I can think of.

5) If I won more than five million dollars, I would pay off all my bills, give some friends some money and then disappear for five years. I'd keep in touch with one person to make sure no one died or anything in my absence.

6) I think more about having kids than getting married.

I'm tagging Bill, Tia, Tara, Kevin, Nikki and Amal.

Continue reading Tag, You're It

I AM going to drink again

Another rough night.

I woke up this mo...afternoon.

And as I was driving through Brooklyn with the biggest headache that was not caused by me hitting my head on something, I said those magic words.

I am never drinking again.

I called my friend who was a witness and declared to her that this was it...this was the time I was going to stop drinking.

Then I remembered I'm going out for drinks on Thursday.

Actually, I organized it.

Shit.

I'm not drinking again starting SATURDAY.

Really.

Continue reading I AM going to drink again

True or False

I'm taking this from Jenny's MySpace blog

YOU CAN ONLY SAY TRUE OR FALSE!!

I am a cuddler-- True
I am a morning person-- True
I am a perfectionist-- False
I am an only child-- False
I am Catholic-- False
I am currently in my pajamas-- False
I am currently single-- True
I am currently suffering from a broken heart-- False
I am okay at styling other people's hair-- False
I am left handed-- False
I am addicted to my myspace-- True
I am online 24/7, even as an away message-- Flase
I am very shy around the opposite gender at first-- True
I bite my nails-- True
I can be paranoid at times-- True
I currently regret something that I have said-- True
When I get mad I curse frequently-- True
I don't like like anyone-- False
I enjoy country music-- False
I enjoy jazz music-- True
I enjoy smoothies-- True
I enjoy talking on the phone-- False
I have a car-- True
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school-- True
I have a lot to learn-- True
I have a pet-- False
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal-- True
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person-- False
I have all my grandparents-- False
I have at least one brother and/or sister-- True
I have been to Europe-- True
I have been told that I am smart-- True
I have broken a bone-- False
I have Caller I.D. on my phone-- True
I have bathed with someone-- True
I have changed a diaper-- True
I have changed a lot over the past year-- True
I have done something illegal-- True
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color-- False
I have had major/minor surgery-- False
I have killed another person-- False
I have had my hair cut within the last week-- True
I have had the cops called on me-- False
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't-- True

Open iTunes, Winamp or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is!!

(I used iTunes which is hooked into my iPod.)

Total songs: 8,874

Sort By Song
First Song: '93 Til Infinity - Souls of Mischief
Last Song: Zombie Part 2 - Nile Rogers And Roy Hargrove And Money Mark

Sort By Time
Shortest Song: Rasselbande - Slope
Longet Song: Acceptance - Tim DeLaughter

Sort By Artist
First Artist: 'Til Tuesday
Last Artist: Zhigge

Sort By Album
First Album: '93 'Til Infinity - Souls of Mischief
Last Album: Zooropa - U2

Sort By Most Played
What Song: End Theme - Zero 7
How Many Plays: 8

Search the key word and see how many songs appear:
"Sex": 42
"Death": 43
"Love": 764
"You": 1,119
"Me": 2,184
''Drugs'': 1
''Hate'': 35

Search for your own name, how many?: 44

Do The Shuffle!
Shuffle your library and list the first ten songs. No padding your playlist you hipster, you. Be honest!

1. Basket Case - Danger Doom
2. Sugarcoated - Aimee Mann
3. Adore - Prince
4. Come On (Deeper Mood Mix) - Miguel Migs
5. Winter - Bebel Gilberto
6. Precious - Van Hunt
7. Book of Rhymes - Nas
8. Is It Good To You? - Heavy D & The Boyz
9. Rain - Madonna
10. Back in the Day - Ahmad

Continue reading True or False

Learning Myself (wait...that sounds like masturbation)

1) When I am drinking alcohol at a high quantity, there seems to be a point where the part of the brain that records memories shuts down...like recording a 3 hour show on SP instead of EP/SLP (is that reference too old now?) So when I get home, pass out and wake up in the morning, I have no recollection of what I've possible done after say 1 AM. Then I have to send out "feeler" text messages like "Hey, what happened last night" or just blanket apologies and blank checks.

I wish I had a red light go off on my brain so that I could go up to one of my drinking partners and say "Hey, buddy. Listen, after I finish talking to you, I'm going to forget everything that happens from this point on. Here, take my camera. Make sure I stay away from sharp objects, couches, beds, etc. Here's $20 bucks. When I leave, stick it in my front pocket for the cab. Oh yeah, and take LOTS of pictures. It might help jog my memory. Excuse me, I think I'm going to do the safety dance."

2) I was asked today by Amal if I ever cheated on someone while in a relationship to which I said No. The two reasons I gave for never doing so is 1) I hate confrontations and 2) I hate being wrong. So if I cheated and got caught, I would be setting myself up for a confrontation and, because I would clearly be in the wrong, I couldn't win.

I'm sure there are more noble reasons for not cheating but that one appeals to my base nature.

Continue reading Learning Myself (wait...that sounds like masturbation)

Land of Confusion

Everyone always complains about losing socks in the laundry.

Fuck socks.

What's going on with the missin gloves?

I lost my second glove last night.

Why is it not only do you lose your gloves constantly but you always alternate which glove you lose so eventually you look at your right finger-less glove and your left pleather glove and ask yourself, "Should I..."?

Continue reading Land of Confusion

Because I liked being judged...

Tell me about myself.

This may be your only chance.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Melanism *

*Stolen from Sheilz who stole it from Alphaduck

Continue reading Because I liked being judged...

No P For Me

In my continued effort to make sure no woman will ever show any interest in me...

I'm buying this watch...

Continue reading No P For Me

Perfect Timing

I want to develop the kind of timing that allows me to ask an insightful yet rhetorical question and then walk away before the person has a chance to respond.

Seems to work for the kids on Grey's Anatomy.

Continue reading Perfect Timing

Four is the Magic Number

So I was watching Love Monkey (cute show but somebody owes Nick Hornby some money) and once again it another show where four individuals discuss love and relationships from a variety of angles and social situations.

But why is it always four?

Has society decided that for a unisex social circle to cover every angle, it needs to be a square?

Oh and one opposite sex friend that I will never sleep with (again?)

Everyone thinks Sex & The City started this trend but the real culprit is The Golden Girls.

Maybe that's what's missing from my life.

Three consistent male friends who like to have lunch with me and go out drinking at night.

And one female friend to contradict everything the three guys say.

According to my personal savior, The Great Television, that is what is keeping me from discovering to true meaning of life.

I'm accepting applications.

Continue reading Four is the Magic Number

It's December so you know what that means

It means it is time for you to buy me something

I've made it easy for you.

Also, let me know what you want to and I'll see if it's in my budget.

Continue reading It's December so you know what that means

Well, I've slipped.

I tried to go out and see a movie and Saturday but ended up at a piercing/tattoo spot where some friends got some work done.

Oh well.

Maybe I'll do a double feature this week.

Continue reading Well, I've slipped.

Legends of the Fall

Continue reading Legends of the Fall

Floor Bored Pt. II

Everyone wants to know why I always fall asleep when I drink too much.

Here's why.

If I have too much hard liquor and I don't feel well.

My body automatically shuts down.

We'd rather sleep at the party then throw up at the party.

(In regards to the train incident, I didn't fall asleep fast enough)

Continue reading Floor Bored Pt. II

Floor Bored

I was reminded on Friday night/Saturday morning why I said this...

It involved Ketal One and a friend's hardwood floor.

Never again.

Seriously.

Continue reading Floor Bored

Still sleeping...

In my defense, it was almost 5 AM.

Continue reading Still sleeping...

Reunited

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone.
-- Debi from Grosse Point Blank

So, my high school reunion was this Saturday. I had more fun than I am willing to admit. I mean, on the cover, it was pretty lame. It was held in one of our high school gyms -- and they chose the cheap ugly one, we paid $50 bucks each to attend and we were treated to supermarket red and white wine and some kegs of watered down beer. The food was okay. The DJ was laughable at best (when they turned the lights off like this was a high school dance, I damn near wanted to walk right out of there).

But it was fun to get together with my old friends and make fun of the same people we made fun of ten years ago.

A couple of observations:

• As I feared, being one of the three black guys in my graduating class (one didn't show up), everyone recognized me. I was at a severe disadvantage.
• I understand bringing your wife/husband/fiance but not your boy/girlfriend. That's just weird to me. For some of the people who brought significant others, I can see why. The people who at that point in there life, everyone was pretty sure they would end life alone. Those were the ones who came up to me like "Hey Sean, THIS is my girlfriend!" and gave me that "She's way out of my league but here she is with me" look.
• Quote of the night: "I named my daughter River...ya know...after the river." I kid you not. I will take that one with me to the grave.
• I realized that night how many people I didn't associate with in high school. There were large groups of people talking and reminiscing and I had absolutely no desire to talk to them. There were people I occasionally spoke to or classes with but I made my friends and never ventured past them. I prefer it that way.
• With the exception of two people (who I didn't think about seeing there) and one person who didn't show, I kept in touch with most of my good high school friends (or at least know how to get in touch if need be). I'm pretty proud of myself.
• I looked good in my suit.
  

Continue reading Reunited

Low Fidelity

So I received my new iPod on Friday.

It's like getting a new puppy after your old one died.

He's already my best friend.

This weekend I took it to the next level.

On previous iPod, I had a variety of playlists -- by genre, by artist, by speed (slow vs. uptempo)

But this weekend, I officially became the Rob Gordon* of iPod.

I set up threee playlists.

Grade School, High School & College.

Yup, now I can listen to the music by where I was scholastically.

I love it.

and I'm a loser.

As one of my co-workers said to me last week after she had seen a balloon I had drawn a Charlie Brown face on hanging outside my cube:

"We need to get you a hobby...or a girlfriend"



*High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

Continue reading Low Fidelity

There is a God, part 45709

First things first...

Even though I don't subscribe to any faith...actually I don't believe in religion at all (long story but the gist of it is, I can't believe that a supreme being would want religions set up like the NFL with different teams and divisions)

I believe in a Grand omnipotent Deity.

Let's call It "God" for short.

Sometimes you find yourself reminded that It exists.

For example...

A week or so ago, my iPod found itself unintentionally empty. I was fed up and decided to buy a new iPod (I sold my old one on Craigslist to help pay for it).

So for the last week while I was waiting for it to arrive, I have been ripping CDs, downloading music and loading all the music already had on my computer into iTunes so when my iPod arrived I could just load it all on and be good to go.

As of last night, I had about 5,300 songs loaded into iTunes.

So this morning, my computer was acting up so I resetted it. When it came back on and I went to the drive with all my music (and movies and digital pictures taken since 2003), the computer asked me if I wanted to format the drive.

Um, what?

The drive is gone. I can't even say it was erased. It is as if nothing was ever on it.

My iPod arrives today.

So in conclusion...

There has to be a god.

You can't make this kinda shit up.

Only God would find this funny.



Laugh it up!

Edit: The guy who I sold my old iPod to wants his money back. Says the damage is more than even I thought it was. Haha. Good form, Jesus.

Continue reading There is a God, part 45709

Melanism.com Shuffle #1

• It's hard to lose weight when you hate fruits and vegetables
• I have become quite a homebody. I can spend an entire weekend inside my apartment playing on my computer, listening to music, watching TV and reading. Every weekend I say I am going to go to a park and read something but it never happens...especially now that football season has started.
• It's funny how weddings can make you want to get marry and think you'll never get married all at the same time.
• Since fewer and fewer people appear to be getting married these days, I wonder how the makers of engagement rings are holding up?
  
• My iPod has evicted all it's tenants again. I think I am just going to buy a new one. We've had a good run.
• I complain about not having money and try to avoid using my credit card but the second I suspected my iPod was broken, I was all but willing to go in the hole 400 dollars to replace it.
• I am not going to believe the Yankees are making the playoffs until they are in the playoff. I just don't seeing our waiver wire pitching staff carrying us to the promised land.

Continue reading Melanism.com Shuffle #1

No Dates On My Calendar

So with my new apartment and all my bills (Electric, Cable, Car Insurance, College Loans, etc.), i came to realization that...I can't afford a girlfriend.

I don't even think I can afford to date anyone.

Yeah, I know there are cheap dates you can go on but eventually, even I will get tired of the park or the beach or of Blockbusters.

Also, I like to give gifts so eventually I would spend money I don't have on a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. I don't want to be one of those guys who has those dats circled in red with an "Oh Shit" written on the calendar.

I could get a second job but when would I have time to date.

I guess I need to find someone who is either rich or has an unusual medical condition that only allows her to eat Ramen noodles and items of Wendy's dollar menu. It would help if she does not celebrate pagan/Hallmark holidays (taking care of all December holidays and Valentine's Day), does not believe in the concept of "time" (eliminating the need for birthday and anniversaries) and who's favorite movies I already own and is content to watch them over and over again...

Am I asking for too much?

Continue reading No Dates On My Calendar

Well, 8 days isn't bad...

Maybe, I just won't drink after work.

Yeah, that's it.

That's the new rule.

Oh, that won't happen either.

It's not my fault that the water wasn't cold but the Corona's and sangria was.

The party was called "Margarita Madness".

What did you want me to do?

WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO?!?!

I'm just a man....

*cries in shower*

Continue reading Well, 8 days isn't bad...

Why I Am Never Drinking Again

Now, I know, everyone in their life has said this at least five times but this time I really mean it. As I think back to Thursday/Friday, I could not get Larry Miller's Five Levels of Drinking out of my head but that is besides the point. Allow me to embarass myself and recount this tale of woe.

So Thursday night, some co-workers and I went out to this spot Arriba, Arriba for a going-away party. They have these 60 oz. Margarita in a glass the size of a baby with down syndrome's head. So we each had one. Anyone who knows me knows I finished even this massive drink with the quickness. I ordered a medium (27 oz) and put that one away as well. I know I had a Heineken on top of that which we were there.

That is where the story gets a little fuzzy.

We went to another location at about 8 PM and met up with some more people. Even though I did not pull out my wallet once, I was told I had at least one beer and I may or may not have had a shot of something.

Acording to eyewitness testimony, I mysteriously left about 10:45 - 11:00 PM by myself for no reason.

I don't remember anything else.

I woke up around 4 AM on the 1 train at the last stop (Van Cortlandt Park-242 Street)...

Covered from chest to shoes* in my own vomit (dried vomit, I might add).

After the complete shock, I took the train back to 96th Street and started feeling quesy again so I got out to take a cab.

While I was waiting for a cab, a cute woman asked me if I wanted to split a cab with her. I said sure, not thinking "Oh my God, I'm covered in puke." All I thought was she had a better shot of getting a cab than I did. When we got in the cab, I climbed in first and kept my back to her. When we reached her stop (or the point where she couldn't take the smell anymore), she gave me two dollars (the ride had been 4 bucks up to that point but I was not in a position nor a state of mind to quibble).

When I finally got home, I had to take my car and park it on the opposite side of the street (anyone who has a car in the city knows how annoying this is) which took me another 15 minutes. So I got back into my apartment at 5 AM. My alarm usually goes off at 5:30 AM. So fo course I thought "I'll just lie down for a little bit". I have to be at work by 8 AM. I woke up at 10 AM.

I still came into work. I refuse to be "that person" who goes out for drinks with co-workers and then calls out sick. Because all everyone does is talk about how much of a punk they are (Sorry, Kev). But when I got there, I was happy to find out that I did not throw up at the bar or make any type of ass of myself in public in front of co-workers. Whatever happened to me happened on the way to or on the subway.

Oh yeah, the best part...when I was emptying out my pockets, I found a $10 bill that I am 90% sure I did not have before. I think someone gave it to me because they thought I was homeless.

So from now on, I am the Cranberry Juice bitch**.

* It's a gross picture. You have been warned.
** Unless I throw a party at home where my bed is less than 10 feet away.

Continue reading Why I Am Never Drinking Again

Priceless

Weekend Summary:
Hours driving to Ohio and back for Cedar Point Amusement Park: 18
Roller Coasters ridden before Thunder Storm hit: 2
Dollars spent on gas, tolls, food, Cedar Point entry and hotel stay: $170.00

Some weekends you just can't get back...

Continue reading Priceless

Pet Peeve #567

When doors you have to push have pull handles on them.

I hate that shit!

Continue reading Pet Peeve #567

It's not too late to prove you love me

Gift Cards:

• Best Buy
  
• IKEA
• Barnes & Nobles
• B. Dalton
• Midtown Comics

DVDs:

• Batman - The Animated Series - Volume 3
  
• Reno 911: The Complete First Season
  
• Reno 911: The Complete Second Season
  
• Scrubs: The Complete First Season
• Superman: The Animated Series - Volume 1

Continue reading It's not too late to prove you love me

ESM

I think I'm an emotional sadomasochist.

I seem to intentionally put myself in position that I know will only cause me pain.

I don't know why.

I'm not learning any life lessons.

I'm not getting any better at taking it.

It's like getting myself punched in the stomach, taking a day or two to feel better, then getting myself punched again.

Anyone know a good therapist?

Continue reading ESM

The 28th Annual Birthday Imposition Post

Gift Cards:

• Best Buy
  
• IKEA
• Barnes & Nobles
• B. Dalton
• Midtown Comics

DVDs:

• Batman - The Animated Series - Volume 3
  
• Reno 911: The Complete First Season
  
• Reno 911: The Complete Second Season
  
• Scrubs: The Complete First Season
• Superman: The Animated Series - Volume 1

Don't let me down...

Continue reading The 28th Annual Birthday Imposition Post

Rip Van Drinkle Strikes Again!

OK, so as I said in my Cons section, I have an issue with falling asleep after indulging myself in one too many libations.

This Saturday, after moving boxes into my apartment all week, went to someone's birthday party...drank a lot really fast, sat down in a hot ass room and was down for the count until it was time to leave.

Of course, I kept hearing people "Wake up, Mel.", "Damn, you stay asleep", "C'mon get up!"

To hell with y'all.

Lemme break it down for you.

My body has an auto-shutdown mode.

If I drink too much and it looks like I am a drink from embarrassing myself, my body automatically starts to shut down. I sit down, fall asleep, and when it's time to go it's like my body has rebooted.

If you want to make fun of me or embarrass me because I found a comfortable spot to take a nap, that's your prerogative.

But I'd rather be the guy who fell asleep at the party then the guy who threw up on the couch, passed out on the floor, pissed in the sink or fell asleep in the bathtub.

Continue reading Rip Van Drinkle Strikes Again!

In regards to moving...

...FUCK STAIRS!

You are the bane of my existence.

That's all.

Continue reading In regards to moving...

Handicapping oneself

So I was thinking on the train (one of my last LIRR rides home for awhile) about my pros and cons...what I bring to the relationship table and what I don't (don''t ask me why...half the weird shit I write I think of on the train...oh no...is my productivity going to slip now?). Anyway, here's what I came up with intially. There will be modesty and egotism spread throughout.

Positives

• I am employed
• I do have a college degree (NYU)
  
• Smart, witty guy
• Not fat
• Reads books
• Great memory (birthdays, anniversaries, "firsts")
  
• Can speak intelligently on certain topics
• No longer lives with parents
• Emotionally available
• Very perceptive regarding women's double speak
• Very friendly (once comfortable)
• Well-liked by other people's mothers
• Sign: Cancer (not the momma's boy type)
• Likes a wide variety of music and movies
  

Negatives

• I am not doing what I want to be doing with my life
• May not actually know what I want to do with my life
• Has a psychology degree
  
• Not necessarily "booksmart", more like Cliff Claven from Cheers-smart; actually more like MTV Remote Control-smart
  
• Extremely argumentative; do not like to lose argument; will concede "a draw"
• Great memory only used for evil (ex. will use your own words against you in an argument, can remember what you were wearing, what tone you used and the look on your face when you said it; selectively forgets own words and actions)
  
• Watches entirely too much television
• Topics I can speak intelligently on: TV shows, movies, comic books, The Yankees (85-current), Knicks (90-current)
• Knows nothing about cars (including, makes, models or repair)
• Not in shape
• Can't cook
• Picky eater (don't eat most fruits and vegetables)
  
• Emotionally draining
• Less tolerant of women's double speak than a guy who has no idea the hell she is talking about
• Hypocritical
• Haven't been to the doctor in almost 10 years, could be dying
  
• When uncomfortable, extremely anti-social
• Falls asleep anywhere when I've had too much to drink
• Your mother will bring me up well after the relationship has ended
• Very sardonic, a bit of a hater, sometimes condescending (or so I've been told)
  
• Sign: Cancer (the sensitive/moody type)
• Probably on the RIAA/MPAA hitlist
• I mumble...alot
  

Neutral

• Reads and spends lots of money on comic books/graphic novels; will argue relevance in the world of art and literature to the bitter end.
• Really good at "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"
• Middle ground in the looks department, not ugly, but not stop in your tracks attractive, takes very deceptively attractive photos if given prep time.

Well, it's a start...

Continue reading Handicapping oneself

Moving on...out

In 2002, I annouced that was going to be year that I get an apartment.

Ooops.

Well, better late than never.

I am finally moving into New York City, where I have worked for the last 7 years (shit, I'm old)

A couple of mental notes for my attempts to pack:

• I have so much crap. I've packed four moving boxes: two of them were for books...mostly graphic novels, one was CD books and video game systems and the last were shoes. I haven't even made a dent in my closet.
• Buying a bed is depressing. I understand that it is the most important purchase you need to make for your own well-being but good God, those things are expensive. I watched a good portion of my apartment budget go up in smoke when I was hearing the price of mattresses I liked.
• On another note, I hardly flinched when purchasing a TV that cost only a little less than the bed I ended up buying. And I wonder why I'm single (another post)
• I spent last night staring in my closet. Staring at all of the pants I own that don't fit comfortably anymore by about one size. I usually keep them as motivation to get back down so I can comfortably wear them again. But frankly, I'm about to scrap them all. I don't feel like dragging that crap with me. But, if I threw them away, I would own like 4 pairs of pants (Having those pants did more to motivate me NOT to buy more)
• I still need to learn how to cook. I think I am going to live off whey protein, meal replacement shakes and Honey Nut Cheerios until I figure this whole cooking thing. Again, I wonder why I'm single.
  

Continue reading Moving on...out

International Mel: Final Europe Update

I've been back for three days now and figure I really need to knock these thoughts/memories out before I completely forget them:

• So Monday night in London, I went out with my longtime friend for some drinks and she was buying and asked what I wanted and I replied "A pint of Stella (Artois)" and she gave me a very perplexed look like "Really?". Now, I've been drinking Stella as my preferred beer of choice since 2003 when Nou introduced it to me last time I went to England. A friend informs me that it is considered "Futbol Hooligan Beer" or Wifebeater Beer". I scoffed at this and proceeded to have about 5 pints and one bottle. I must say, Stella is MUCH STRONGER over there. Needless to say, I was wrecked. I feel asleep and missed my stop on the train...mind you, this was only a 15 minute train ride and I was awake for the first 5 minutes because I was on the phone. It was one of those blackout sleeps that you don't remember falling asleep. You just look around and notice that 20 minutes of your life is gone. When I relayed this story to a British girl who I had just met about how many Stellas I drank that night, without skipping a beat, she said, " Did you go home and beat your wife afterwards?"
• Amsterdam was...interesting. I had fun..thanks to my two tour guides, Deluge and Amal. We saw Platinum Pied Pipers the first day we arrived (Tiombe Lockhart is quickly climbing up the 'i heart u' chart) and De La Soul the day before we left so I can't complain.
• I would have liked to done more but my two traveling companions couldn't get their asses out of bed before Noon each day except the day we checked out and that's because we HAD to be out by Noon. In their defense, it is a six hour time difference and I did have a week in London to get used to the time change. Plus, I was too tired to actually fight to wake them up. I wish we had gotten to the Van Gogh Museum or Anne Frank's house but those lines are no joke. Next time, I am bringing my own loud ass annoying alarm clock.
  
• We went to the Heiniken Brewery. The Heniken in Amsterdam over there tastes so smooth you would swear it was watered down (and like the Stella in UK, is stronger). During the tour of the facility, you get three free glasses of beer. By the time it was over, my friends and I went back to the hotel and feel asleep.
• The women in Amsterdam are very beautiful but I have to say, Dutch is not a sexy language. One late night we were watching TV and there were loads of late night sex phone line ads and one of them, the girl was speaking in a sexy voice but when she said the phone number it sounded so harsh (the eights sound like a cat hacking up a furball). Too many hard consonants.
• Yes, we did walk through the Red Light District or the Prostitute Zoo. That was also interesting. I am not going to front some of those women were FINE AS HELL. But there was something that bothered me about it. Most of them looked totally uninterested to be there. Some of them were in there window talking on their cell phones and shit. If they had a watch, they would be looking at it like "Is my shift over?". You know what they looked like? Like they were Peter Gibbons in Office Space. It's good to know that no matter where you work, people who hate their job all have the same look on their face.
• Now, I know that people from my place of employment are aware this site exists so let me not say anything to incriminate myself. As one of my co-workers put it, I "partook in the culture".
• Actually, let me get more into that culture. No man was meant to partake in THAT much culture. I mean the first three days we binged on culture. I had two culture shakes and a culture brownie (they really didn't affect me too much but I had the weirdest dreams). And then the last day, we had too much culture leftover and spent three hours in a coffeeshop partaking til it was all done. The fact that I got on the right plane and got my luggage was a small miracle. I will NEVER do that again. Thank God, Culture can't kill you.
• I now hate Amerie's "1 Thing" and Snoop Dogg's "Signs" because we heard those two songs at least 4 times a day each everyday we were there.
  

Continue reading International Mel: Final Europe Update

Europe Update #2

• I spent the last two days in Brighton. The best way to describe it is the East Village by the shore. Everyone I met there sang or played some instrument. Of course, they all worked at pubs too.
• I'm beginning to miss the sun
• I love BBC sitcoms because they are more experimental than US shows. America's example of experimenting is copying a British show.
• Tomorrow I leave for Amsterdam. That's all I am going to say about that

Continue reading Europe Update #2

Europe update #1

Ok, so I have been here since Saturday. Mostly drinking...Here are a couple of things...

• My friend's internet is down right now. I am going through withdrawal without any movies or music to download.
• Now I understand why Thom Yorke's lyrics are so depressing. No matter how many times I come here (this is #6 in my lifetime), I can never get used to how gloomy England is. Anytime the sun actually comes out it feels like an accident.
• I hate tourists. They walk so bloody SLOW.
• Ok, if there is an example of American intellectual superiority, it is the fact they still have bathroom sinks here with two faucets, 1 for hot water and 1 for cold. This country still does not value warm water.
• I have been on a lot of subways in a lot of different places. Why does New York's have to be the dirtiest in the world. Everywhere else has really nice and clean subways. Not us. If subways were toilet paper, London's would be a new pack of Charmin, New York's would be one ply, used and not flushed (beautiful imagery)
• My dear friend who originates from Canada informed me last night that they don't tip in England. She told me that here, whether you tip or not does not improve your service any. I had two thought immediately. 1) That explains the weird look the waitress kept giving me when I left a pound on the bar for her & 2 In the four times I have been here as a drinking adult, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I'VE WASTED!?!
• I was watching cable thisd afternoon and lo and behold, they have Ned & Stacy here. I love this county*.

Ok, I'm out of here. I hate internet cafes. I need to wash my hands.

* I know, I watch too much TV

Continue reading Europe update #1

i love it when...

...I'm on the train and an attractive woman comes on and she gives me a positive "oh he's kinda cute" look...

...then I reach into my bookbag and pull out a Batman comic.

I can almost feel the points be subtracted...

I keep it real.

(Although in my greatest train fantasy, she would say "Excuse me, is that the new issue?)

Continue reading i love it when...

Amsterdammit!

How come if you tell someone you are going to Amsterdam for a week they make certain assumptions about you?

"Amsterdam, huh? I know what you are going to do."

Screw you, I have friends over there that I would like to visit.

I feel like I'm going to come back to work and have to take a piss test.

That's why if anyone asks, I'm going to England or Europe.

Thank God no one reads this thing.

Continue reading Amsterdammit!

Following the Breadcrumbs

I decided to look up my OLD posts on Melanism.com.

How old?

A little over four years old (March 01 -April 02)

Before there was a "Blogger.com" and I did everything with HTML tags (I can't even remember how to use HTML anymore. Blogger.com has made me lazy)

A couple of observations...

• I watched way too many movies in that period of time.
• I used to update this site alot but that was more indicative of how little I had to do at my last job.
  
• I really should have spell checked these but they took so long to tag that if I made an error, I was not going back to fix it.
• My goal was to have an apartment by 2002. A matter of fact, it was one of the first things I posted about (March 01). Yeah, that really panned out.
• I skipped over anything I wrote about my last ex except to note I am such a fucking sap. I wouldn't date me after reading some of this crap
• I think I really suffered from depression.
• I really had a hard-on for Radiohead (6/01)
  
• I was really into Playstation 2. I don't even touch that thing now.
• The Five Deadly Venom Spitterz was a really bad idea. I'm glad it wasn't mine.
• I must have been really deluded to give Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back three and a half stars. I wasn't even high or drunk when I saw it (not that I do that). I had no excuse
  
• I can't believe I actually pleaded with the Yankees to get Jason Giambi (11/01). I brought it on myself.
• I never did get that personalized jersey with "Melanism" on the back
• I was unemployed for awhile. I have a shitty credit report to prove it.
• Most importantly, after reading this, I realize that I haven't acheived anything since I started Melanism.com. Why am I doing this again?
  

Continue reading Following the Breadcrumbs

A Great Adventure (a.k.a. The Six Flags Hustle)

So this Saturday was the annual clusterfuck known as the OKP Six Flags Great Adventure trip where everyone says they want to go, but only a handful of people actually shows up.

Accompanying me on this--the final Melanism-organized trip--was Bill and Yusef. Two others would show up later but my adventure was with Bill and Yusef.

So once we arrived, we went straight to Nitro.

After waiting on a line for 40 plus minutes, I was ready to go home. And so was Bill.

Yusef noticed that some guy handed the ride conductor a blue sheet, conductor signed it and the guy got on the ride right away.

After we got off Nitro, Yusef asked the Six Flags employee what the form was and he told him that it was a handicapped pass.

Yusef was intrigued and was ready to get his hustle on.

Yusef went to guest services while Bill and I sat down and tried to hide from the blistering heat.

He came back with a pass in hand.

He told him that he had a handicapped person in his party and all they asked him was "How many people in your party?"

After some hesitatation on my part and Bill's, we all went along and went on every ride with NO WAIT.

None.

Yusef attributed to the fact that these kids make $7 dollars an hour and don't give a fuck.

They didn't even ask us which one of us was supposed to be handicapped.

This is easily the most interesting trip that I ever had a Great Adventure that had no romantic underpinnings.

Yes, I know my spot in hell is reserved.

I hope I get a handicapped pass so I don't have to wait on that hot ass line.

Continue reading A Great Adventure (a.k.a. The Six Flags Hustle)

I'm still alive.

Continue reading

Ok, children, I'm off to California for the Okayplayer Reunion 2002.

I will probably find a business center in the hotel to post something but if not, you can find me and my Dedaly Venom Spitterz comrades at our new home for spitting venom.

http://www.dropheavy.net

Maybe I'll stay in Cali until the "terror warnings" subside...

It's not safe here.

Continue reading

Sorry children, it's been awhile since I posted but (ugh) things have gotten really busy at work. Actually I could have done it at work but I didn't want to admit to myself that I had nothing to do and that really wasn't my fault because the work I was doing was contingent on another person and that person in another office decided not to be very helpful giving me nothing to do...

*sigh*

So Wednesday was me and F2's one year anniversary...I know bananas. So we decided to go out on a "date" of sorts where I picked a nice restaurant and was going to surprise it with the rest of the evening.

So we went to this Korean vegetarian spot midtown that had a Zen vibe to it that was really cool.

You're probably thinking "Mel, I thought you were a carnivore"

I am but to quote Jules from Pulp Fiction: "... my girlfriend's a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger."

But anyway it was cool, I have grown to like heavily flavored tofu...emphasis on flavor. Flavorless tofu is like chewing air. It's like there is something in your mouth but you can't taste it.

Anyway, after dinner and spending like 25 minutes trying to catch a cab (Yeah, "New" New York my ass)...I took her to see...



Yes, Topdog/Underdog, the critically-acclaimed Broadway play starring Jeffery Wright and Mos Def. It won a Pulitzer Prize apparently.

Must have been a slow year for competition.

Don't get me wrong. It had it's moments. Best when the focus was humor but the drama was lacking...mostly because Mos Def Wasn't good at emoting. I would have liked to have seen it when Don Cheadle was playing Mos' role. Anyway, needless to say, we were disappointed.

What should I expect from a play from the women who wrote Girl 6...

-Spider-Man made $200 million dollars in 9 days. Jesus (pronounced "Hey Zeus"). I don't know. Even Lucas knows that it is not going to beat that record. But, after next week, we will have a better idea as to who will be the winner in the end. Star Wars still has the bigger incentive to watch 2-3 times (although I only saw The Phantom Menace once in the theaters and that surprised even me...not really...it sucked).

I think I am gonna hold out on Episode II. I'd rather catch About A Boy stress-free. I'm going to Cali next weekend so I think I am gonna try and see it at Mann's Theater which would be cool...even if it sucked.

I don't think it is going to suck. I think it will be satisfying on some levels. Seeing Sam Jackson whip ass as a Jedi (or Yoda for that matter), seeing all the Jedis fight, seeing Ewan McGregor finally get a handle on being Obi-Wan, seeing the future unfold....

But two things scare me...

Written by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales
Directed by George Lucas

Yeah, he got help writing but from the guy who wrote The Scorpion King.

Imagine me the skeptic...

He needs to just admit there isn't some great story he thought of 25 years ago (first it was a nine part sags then he backtracked and said it was only a six part saga) but something he is making up as he goes along.

He needs to admit that there is an obvious reason why The Empire Strikes Back was the best. Look at the credits, buddy.

He is a great visual artist. But anyone who can't get a good performance out of Liam Nesson, Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman, all great actors, is just a bad director.

We shall see soon enough...

The box office have begun.

Continue reading

Well, I am worn out form my weekend. Stayed out late on saturyda and lifted heavy furniture on Sunday. Why oh why do I need a job? I am playing the lottl every day til i win like 100,000 bucks. Then I'll buy a comic book shop get some 15 year old punk who can't read and count (so I can pay him below minimum wage and he won't be able to read the signs that I have to post up saying what minimum wage is...if you are wondering how he will work the register...bar code scanner).

-So, Spider-Man made $114 million in one weekend.

It has begun.

Marvel Comic books that are in the works already: The Punisher, Daredevil (starring Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock and Michael Clark Duncan as Kingpin (!)), The Hulk (you can see the teaser in the preview before Spidey), The Black Panther (Wesley Snipes has been trying to get this goiign forever but this influx might help it happen), and The Sub-Mariner (I'm serious)

So now that Spidey is out of the way, you might be wondering what Melanism is trying to see this summer:

May:
About A Boy
Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Insomnia
Undercover Brother

June:
Minority Report (maybe..Spielberg is slipping)

July:
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Men in Black II

August:
XXX (only because the significant other sweats Vin Diesel)
Signs
Full Frontal
Simone
Jackass The Movie
A Guy Thing (starring Kevin Smith all-star Jason Lee)

That's about it...

Continue reading

Well, I'm still trying to figure out this thing but when I do, you can expect to see regular postings from me again.

"So, Mel how's the job?"

Well I'm glad you asked. It's pretty good.

I mean it could be better: I could be sitting here getting paid to do nothing.

Nothing better than that.

Well, first of all, I can appreciate how little work I had to do a Su(c)kin Law. I mean, compared to that, I was getting paid to do nothing more than take shit occasionally. The rest of the time I could have been reading a book. How I wasted my time there...well, I did do most of this web page from work...so I guess I did make the most of that time. Ha, Lou Cypher. thanks for the funding.

Anyway, it's always busy here but thank God I work faster than the average underling so I can get my work done and surf the net and no one suspects that I am being hindered from completing my duties.

And everyone is just so nice here. They are all smiling and sweet and "please" and "thank you". It's makes it hard for you to get mad at them...but just wait I'll find a way.

-The great thing about this place is me have a super fast Internet connection which allows me to do something I have always wanted to do...

MELANISM'S MP3 OF THE MONTH

Dedicated to Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes,.
It's a song off of her Supernova album that was only released internationally but now that she is dead, be sure that Arista will rush this Bad Boy out.

-The only movie I've seen since the last time I mentioned a movie I saw was...

Panic Room.

It was like Home Alone for Adults. It didn't help that the girl who played Jodie Foster's daughter was the spitting image of Macauly Culkin. Coincidence?

David Fincher is gonna direct the next Mission: Impossible movie. I wonder this one will be missing. The M:I movies seem to accentuate whatever weaknesses a director has:

Brain De Palma - Too confusing
John Woo - Soulless action where you don't care who lives

This one will probably be too dark but I'll love it anyway.

Oooo, I'm so psyched for this

I'm going to see Spider-Man tonight. I'll be sure to let you know how it is.

-I'm so ashamed...I downloaded R.Kelly's upcoming album "Loveland"

It's kinda hot. Best work he's ever done.

Forgive me

Continue reading